I just don't know. How can I say she's a dear friend when lately all I do is drive her away? All I can think about is the fact she's leaving for two months and the last thing she said to me was "Have a nice two months." and all I said was "That's it? just good night?" It was a stupid thing to say and I hate myself for saying it. It's not her fault; it's completely mine. I know that. I remember monents when she said she'd miss me for three days, two weeks..... she even once said I was her best friend. Now it's coming to the point we're just acquaintances. At least that's what I'm afraid we're becoming. I couldn't sleep last night and yesterday I didn't talk to anyone; then again none of those people asked how I was feeling [and this is family]. I didn't even eat all through yesterday.
I've been jumping the gun a lot. She'd say something and I'd just take it the wrong way; other things I won't go into here. You'd think by now I'd know her well enough not to think wrongly of her, but I did; and because of it, I'm paying the price of that ignorance.
Am I jealous? She's told me things about what went on with her and her real friends; that is, people who've done for her what I either haven't done or could never do; things I wish I could do but will never because of who I am.
Because of this I've no doubt she doesn't see me as a best friend; someone else is there now. He's always cheering her up, something I doubt I could ever do, especially now. And as much as I'd try, it nowhere compares. I would be surprised if she still calls me "friend."
I know I'll never reach that level again. It's a lot easier to forget good things than it is bad things.
Thanks to what's happened she won't miss me; and that is what hurts me the most; that my stupidity [or whatever you prefer] has caused this. Thanks to me the friendship we had will never come back.
UPDATE: 4.03 AM, NEXT DAY: I had a few good cries earlier. They seemed to ease things.
I've been jumping the gun a lot. She'd say something and I'd just take it the wrong way; other things I won't go into here. You'd think by now I'd know her well enough not to think wrongly of her, but I did; and because of it, I'm paying the price of that ignorance.
Am I jealous? She's told me things about what went on with her and her real friends; that is, people who've done for her what I either haven't done or could never do; things I wish I could do but will never because of who I am.
Because of this I've no doubt she doesn't see me as a best friend; someone else is there now. He's always cheering her up, something I doubt I could ever do, especially now. And as much as I'd try, it nowhere compares. I would be surprised if she still calls me "friend."
I know I'll never reach that level again. It's a lot easier to forget good things than it is bad things.
Thanks to what's happened she won't miss me; and that is what hurts me the most; that my stupidity [or whatever you prefer] has caused this. Thanks to me the friendship we had will never come back.
UPDATE: 4.03 AM, NEXT DAY: I had a few good cries earlier. They seemed to ease things.
