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Even though it still feels like today, I guess technically yesterday was my late mum's 53rd birthday. I've always thought it weird people keep track of someone's birthday when they've passed away, but then again, it's like that feeling where you don't understand it until it happens to you, I see myself doing the math to determine her "not-age".
There were little signs all day letting me think of her, Pixie with her box of Ethel M chocolates was a solid one for sure. I don't know, I wonder what she's doing. I hope she's having fun, she didn't get a lot of that the last years of her life.
I wonder what she thinks of who/what I've become in the past 5 years. I always think back to the story Dad told Kelly and I that day at the dinner table, how hearing that made me love my mother more than she could possibly imagine, I was trying to hold back tears so that they wouldn't catch sight of me taking in the story. I'm reminded of the conversation we had on Christmas during dinner about an old friend of mine, Autumm.
I realize now I was closer to her in terms of a bond of friendship than I ever could have been with Sterling, and I just want to go back and give her younger self a hug, and tell her I understand. Dad said the statement I made about her growing up in her surroundings with the environment and the social aspects tearing her down was probably due to who she truly was as a person. He said it seemed very informed and thought out. I wish he'd open his eyes.
He said that Mom seemed afraid of her, and I remember what I said about her. She took on a very strong defensive personality when it came to being around friends or other people in general, including her parents. I think the outlook of dealing with her situation combined with the fact that living in Sterling's shadow when he was such a strong, charismatic person must have been the icing on the cake with her shortcomings in being socially awkward. Not to mention their parents were never around being the workaholics they were, so it was probably next to impossible to talk to them about anything.
I miss her, both of them, but I don't want her to see this me. I hate this me, I'm ashamed of it, especially after today at work, when I got a chance to sit and think. Maybe that's why I don't mind all this overtime I've been getting, it keeps me too occupied to worry about anything that isn't completely necessary. I already know my resolution for the New Year. I wonder if anyone is doing something so I don't get stuck babysitting Sophia.
I miss you Mom. There are so many things we didn't get to do or say, and I feel so selfish for not doing more. I'm sorry if I ever made you think you were a burden during those hardest of times, I was young and stupid, I hope you can forgive me. I hope Grandma Bell is up there with you, and you're catching up on all those years lost.
I miss those little white slips of paper from the tea bag boxes I used to use for bookmarks. They were perfect, but I can never find them anymore. All your mugs are still in the cupboard, too.
I should really drink more tea, mum. It's supposed to be good for you, right? ---------------
In Memoriam Mary Sneddon 1954 - 2002
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound That sav’d a wretch like me! I once was lost, but now am found, Was blind, but now I see.
’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, And grace my fears reliev’d; How precious did that grace appear, The hour I first believ’d!
Thro’ many dangers, toils and snares, I have already come; ’Tis grace has brought me safe thus far, And grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promis’d good to me, His word my hope secures; He will my shield and portion be, As long as life endures.
Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail, And mortal life shall cease; I shall possess, within the veil, A life of joy and peace.
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow, The sun forbear to shine; But God, who call’d me here below, Will be forever mine.
Edible Substance · Mon Dec 31, 2007 @ 09:36am · 3 Comments |
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