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I read one of my friends journal entries. She's only a few months older than I am and she's been in college less, but she's partying and doing all this fun yet weird stuff. Meanwhile, I'm just going through college doing my homework and working every night. My boyfriend doesn't like to party that much, neither do I, but the curiosity is getting the better of me. What the hell is it like to go out and just have a blast?
However, Danielle also told me she wouldn't drink until she turned 21. She turns 21 on the 7th of this month, but she broke her promise to me a while back, maybe only a month after the New Year's incident. And Nicky has been living with her boyfriend for a while now, making her own decisions and enjoying life as an adult. Steph and I are probably the only two of the group that still see each other regularly. I move to Lacrosse for 7 weeks for radio school in October, so I'll sort of be moving along.
What's holding me back? I'm extremely shy and afraid to start conversation with others that I don't know. I feel so self-conscious because of my looks and my weight (I've gained weight). And, I hate to say this, my boyfriend. I love him, but there are some days when I want some independence and he wants me to be with him. I admit that I get like that every once in a while too. Like on March 21st. He had gotten tickets to see arena football and I got pissed because he wouldn't be back until 11 or 12 at night.
I'm also starting to compare my love life with my friends' again. Danielle and Ben along with Nicky and Ben (two different Ben's) are way more intimate more often than me and Robert are. It's especially true right now. I'm still ******** spotting. It never seems to end. I think if I'm still spotting by the end of this pack, I'm just gonna stop taking the pill. My conflict here is how I've been on double protection for so long now. I mean, it's nice that I don't have to worry about getting pregnant because I'm taking the pill and using condoms. In the last four weeks, we had sex once because my spotting had seemed to stop. Literally two days later, it started again! I'm so frustrated that I want to cry and scream and throw objects into walls.
How am I supposed to fix this? It doesn't help that I'm curious about what it would feel like to be with someone else, not that I would act on it. What would it be like to be with someone who is at the same level as me when it comes to music and English? What would it be like to love someone who is skinner? What would it be like if I could have sex with someone more experienced? All of this runs through my head, regardless of the fact that I love Robert to death. He's my first love, and it's so rare for a couple, both of whom have never dated anyone else before, to stay together like this. We argue a lot. He's been bullying me more often.
I'm stressed about my job. I applied at the Golf Club at Camelot to be a bartender/pro shop worker. I had a mock interview with one of the managers and Robert told me that because she had talked to me and that everyone likes me that I'm almost guaranteed a job. He set up an interview for me with one of the other managers and I thought it went very well. He said that he might need me in more than the proshop so I said I'd be willing to do kitchen work. Not much later, Robert asked Jason, the manager, what was going on with my application and if he'd sent it to Keith (head of bar). We then talked to Keith, who said that he was waiting for more applicants. That was two weeks ago.
Then on Sunday night, Robert and I were driving home from Oshkosh and he said that Camelot might not hire me now. Why? Because I had said that I wasn't willing to work in the kitchen. Because I'd asked for too much money. And because I refused to learn any golfing terms. He went on and on about how he'd done a lot to try and get me a job here and I wasn't appreciating it. I do appreciate it, but after all that he said, especially about practically getting hired on the spot by Laura, the first person I'd been interviewed by, and to suddenly realize that they probably aren't going to hire me makes me sick to the stomach. I was really depending on them. Now I have to start applying at new places. I might look into becoming a bank teller or working in a clothing store like Kohl's or in the mall somewhere. But who's gonna hire someone who can only work during the day because she has an evening job every night of the week and can't work Saturdays because she has to work every Saturday?
And so, SCREW THE WHOLE ******** WORLD!! I GIVE THE ******** UP!!
 Earths_Eclipse · Wed Apr 02, 2008 @ 01:35am · 0 Comments |
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