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The snow. I always loved it. Always pure and cold, I love it when it isn’t touched. I also love it when it snows at night. When it snows in the day time it isn’t as magical. But then again, I probably love the snow even more because that’s how I met him. That’s how I met Joel.
Joel wasn’t average, he wasn’t marvelous, he was just…Joel. Joel looked like a model and a computer geek at the same time. He worked as a movie critic and we always had arguments about the movies he was criticizing because we both had different views on the film. He was mine and I was his. We met at Wingfield Park. It was cold, snowy; it was a good night to commit suicide. At least that’s what I thought, but I was wrong. I sat on the ledge of the bridge, looking at the river as it started to ice over and crush ice against the rocks.
I remembered, when I was younger, there used to be tadpoles in the river in spring time. We found them, my friends and I. Everyone smiled like they had found something that would change the world for the better, but really, it was just our childish nature to be pleased with something so small and insignificant. But now, it wasn’t significant. That spring, was also the last time I saw my little brother. His face appeared in my memory. His golden locks and crystal blue eyes on that little cherub like face of his that seemed so innocent yet mischievous, that’s all I can remember of him. He was about six and I was ten. I hated him. But now…I miss him.
Not only did I miss my brother, I also missed my childhood. When I had friends and family that cared about me, or so I believed. I didn’t really care back then. But now, I do. I always think that someone is going to reject me, or get close, find something they don’t like, and then ditch me.
While I sat on that cold bridge, in nothing but a brown loose turtle neck and short jean skirt with leggings and black boots; my dark curls blinding my view of the river and the sight of the crystals falling from my eyes, I wondered if anyone would miss me. Everyone left for college, I, being the underachiever I am, went straight into working as a waitress for a casino bakery. It has its perks, but the food is terrible because of what they make us use.
I had to move out of my mom’s place because she said that since I had a job I should be able to pay the rent and half of everything. But what she really meant was that she wanted me to give her my whole paycheck so that she could gamble. My dad died in a car accident, my Uncles were with him, they were all drunk. I remember my Uncle David’s Fiancée` yelling at his coffin like a crazy woman. Her short blonde hair going crazy as she flailed her arms around and hit his corpse, her, over done make-up, smearing as her eyes continued to spill water. My father, My uncle’s, they were all gone.
My friends were with me then, holding my hands, patting my back, saying that they would be with me no matter what. But when I decided to work instead of go to college, and when I decided that I had to finish school on a laptop instead of in person, and when I decided, unfortunately, that I wouldn’t have connection to a phone line for a few months while I settled in my new home, they all of a sudden decided that I was too far for them to reach for.
I guess this is what they meant when your life flashes before your eyes. I smiled faintly, remembering the Bundy’s from Married with Children. Al Bundy would always go into near death experiences and on time, when he was close to being electrocuted, he said that he was seeing his life go before his eyes. A small tear slipped on my hand, not that I noticed, I was so numb that I couldn’t hear the voice next to me asking if I was okay. It was only when a hand waved in front of my face that I turned in shock to see him. His choppy brown hair covering his gorgeous eyes that hid behind glasses and scruffy beard that seemed, somehow, not so scruffy. But because I was startled, I slipped and started falling into the river. My mind blackened and I couldn’t remember anything for days after I awoke. Only those eyes, those sad and worried eyes that I found staring intently at me when I awoke each day.
When I finally remembered, I asked him why he was with me when he could have been doing something better. His answer…was the most heartbreaking answer, and yet sweetest answer I had ever heard.
Three years later, he left. Just like My uncles, My father, My brother. My Joel, was gone. He died, and wanted me there with him because he thought that I would love him as much as he loved me. Which I did. And now, I have a small remembrance of him. Well…it won’t be small later on in life, but right now, it is all I have and all I have. My treasure. My Julian.
 Beware-Mutated_Zombies · Thu Apr 17, 2008 @ 05:28am · 0 Comments |
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