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I Can't See Any Borders Here. |
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Every time I log onto this site, I think about how I haven't been keeping updates on my Journal.
I think of all these excuses, and I tell myself all these things I can write about to make it interesting, or if something happens I decide I should write about it in my Journal to make it interesting. I think I'm missing the point of this thing entirely, it should be to record my precious memories, not to make it interesting for other people.
The people this matters most for wouldn't care if it looks nice or if something super awesome and interesting happened. I should just write.
I should just record.
I should just be.
I keep reading all these people's entries that I have subscribed and I have this insane jealousy that my life isn't as happy or interesting and I have nothing to show for everything I do at the end of the day. Sometimes it's ridiculous how bad I want something. JUST BECAUSE IT ISN'T ME.
I have this selfish, insecure problem about appearing weak to people. It might be why only a handful of people have ever seen me tear up. This is such an obsessive compulsive, scary thing.
And for the most part, it revolves around c.. I see the wonderful work in her photographs, and it makes it difficult to open up, or show a part of myself to you, because I don't want to open up to that, I feel like who I am doesn't hold a candle to who you are. It's a strange thing that I would care so much about it in particular to you. It's not like an attraction or romantic feelings, I just enjoy the wavelength we share, and how whenever I read something she writes up, I feel a part of me in it.
Like with working, how sometimes I can see I want to be more than just a 'worker bee'. And how I can be conniving and manipulative, but sometimes I feel people deserve it. This is going to sound horrible, but I've been planting seeds on getting a certain person fired, while going behind his back like I'm looking out for him. But it's not out of pure malice. I don't like this individual in the slightest, and the way he treats people and talks about them is deplorable. It goes beyond those little tidbits or thoughts people have everyday.
Like when you see someone who is morbidly obese, 9 out of 10 people will feel disgust, and I think based on our society that is a natural outlook. But he will take it so far all the time no matter what and pick out every little weakness someone might have. With absolutely no remorse like the sun shines out his a**. But I'm done with that. He's going to wake up sooner or later.
The photograph project has finally started. I finally got c.'s package and it made my forever. The connection of having someone from far away and you share this bond through common grounds. And frankly, I don't care if the purpose was for personal gain or acknowledgment, to receive something for no occasion, just do it and see what happens is what makes it special. I even kept the paper it came in because of the picture on it.
The little pieces of what you left me let me feel like I can take some of them for myself. And I want to do the same for you, and I will. I may not be able to dazzle you like you did me, but it will still be me.
I recently went to a PostSecret event with Emile and Jason. That was definitely one of my favorite things I've ever done, with two of the greatest people I know. the PostSecret community in general is something I've always cherished because of the project, and getting to meet people I may never see again but all know of and share this idea is a real treat.
I REALLY WANT TO DO SO MUCH MORE. THERE NEEDS TO BE MORE THAN JUST THIS.
Edible Substance · Tue Apr 29, 2008 @ 04:25am · 3 Comments |
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