not too long ago, i met someone here, on Gaia... whose name will be disclosed (you'll know who she is if you know me well) she suffers from bipolar and is generally depressed. not too long ago, she slashed her wrist... she's still alive, as far as i know... she did say she would be back again tomorrow... but i'm not sure what to think anymore... we became mates not too long ago... and in this time, i was happy... genuinely happy during the times we talked and shared together. i'm not sure if it's going to last now... she says she is going to die. i don't want her to go... but that's not all i found out... she has a rl bf. now here's some advice i'd like to give to everyone... don't say "i love you" unless you really mean it... i found out the hard way tonight... i'm sitting here crying while typing this right now, wondering what the hell i should do... i understand that this is nothing more than a game online... but my life is a game itself... so many people have played with me and left me behind, on to bigger and better things... i was truly hoping this would be different... she is a person i could say "i love you" to, but i'm not sure if she believes it... she says she isn't a person, but a bag of s**t... i know she's more than that. she means more to me than she'd ever know... she's more real than the desk sitting in front of me... more real than my dad... my mom... my grandparents... all the bottles of aspirins and medications in front of me... perhaps an overdose would work for a 4th suicide attempt... but i dare not. i made a promise to someone long ago. she made me promise not to hurt/kill myself... and the next day? she had her wrists cut as my current mate did not long ago... so she accidentally (or at least i think accidentally) mentions about her rl bf... and i ask a question about him, hoping... wondering... why she couldn't trust in him about her suicide, yet she could in me. big mistake... now i fear she hates me... and i can't stand that thought... she was the third to say "i love you" to me... and the third to try to take (soon to be the third to die if nothing good happens) her life... i'm not sure how much i can take... how much more pain i can go through before i snap completely... how much anguish i can suffer... how much till i give in? i don't know anymore... i'm feeling numb now, and my eyesight is getting blurry... perhaps i should lie down... maybe i'll stop crying too...
 snofox507 · Sat Aug 20, 2005 @ 07:09am · 2 Comments |
