I don't even remember how the conversation started that day, we where all just sitting around the commons area waiting for the bell to ring to tell us to go to class. I don't think I was even hardly paying attention until Amanda spoke that one sentence that made something in my head just snap.
"So you'll sleep with guys you don't even care about, but you wont do anything with a guy you like?" That one sentence stills rolls around my head to this day, but its that one sentence that made everything that I had buried come out like a tidal wave.
I had been sitting just a few steps away from her half in the conversation and half trying to look at the guy who I liked for almost half the year who sat in front of me. But Amanda had my full attention after that, rage and pain lit my veins like acid. I advanced on her grabbing her roughly by the shoulders, I saw her wince as I dug my finger nails in the fabric of her shirt.
"Shut up!" my voice was strained from trying to keep it low and wanting to scream at the top of my lungs. "You have no idea what your talking about!" By this time by body had begun to violently shake and I could feel the tears sting my eyes as they threatened to overspill. I glared into her two wide pale blue eyes and I hated what I saw in them. I saw her fear of me and I saw her confusion. I wanted to make her understand and before I could even stop myself the words spilled out of me.
"Do you know what its like to associate that which is supposed to be so ******** special to that one night?!" I could feel the eyes of the students around me, friends and strangers shocked. I wasn't the one who lost her temper, I was the girl who always smiled and laughed and tried to find peace. But at this moment I really could care less, "Do you know what I feel every time I do that?!" I pushed her farther back until she hit the brick wall that was behind her, "I feel his hands, the one ******** thing I remember so clearly was his hands!" Most of the people around us didn't know what was going on, some where smart enough to figure out what I was talking about, but Amanda was the only one I had trusted with the secret. I was talking about being raped as a child, I had played it off to her as no big deal but the truth was it had scarred me so deeply. Deeper than I had even realised.
"I will never let any guy I care about go near that, because that night he did more than break me, He ******** ruined me!" And that's when it hit me hard, I could feel the tears streaming down my face, my body feeling as if I would go into convulsions right then and there. The wound was ripped anew and I could feel my body going numb to protect me from the pain that seared with the memory. I let her go wrapping my arms around myself trying to wish myself away. I looked back into her eyes one more time and I saw the thing I most despised. Pity. I hated it, I didn't give it and I didn't want it. I couldn't take it anymore, it felt as if my skin was raw and bleeding from the stares the from the people around us. With that I tore out of there, leaving my school books sitting on the floor. Somewhere behind me I heard a teacher yell for me to come back but I just headed outside the front doors. There was no chance in hell I was going back in there and that meant the only place to go was home. God, I didn't want to go there either. I knew I had blown it, the carefully constructed life I built outside of my home had shattered. Now both places where going to be my own personal hell. Standing out side the cool morning air helped to clear my head some, sighing I started off for home. The whole time I wondered what was going on inside the school, wondering what they thought of me. None of them really knew what I was like under the laughing and smiles. All in all it seemed pretty sad that none really looked to see either.
MistressMoonlight Community Member 
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