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much about nothing
this journal is just my everyday life. nothing special.
It's been forever since I posted in here. I guess maybe I should put something in here.

It snowed Today. First time in a long time. It bitterly cold and the wind is blowing hard, howling just outside my window. It almost seems like it's trying to get in, the panes of glass shudder and the weather pounds against them. But I don't really care what the weather is like today, other than the fact that it mirrors my mood today, with heavy grey clouds veiling the mountains and a thick fog rolling in from both sides of town. No sunlight, no hope. Mom's done it again.
"I'm going to quit" she said. I actually believed her. Dad was so hopeful. I was so hopeful. But she fell through. Again. I don't even think I was surprised this time.

They were going to a Jan Arden concert. would be back about ten, maybe eleven. She had brought me back from piano lessons at six thirty, the show started at seven.
"Make sure she comes in with you to your Lessons." Dad had said.
"I can't. I wasn't dressed to come in and see anyone. I'd be embarassed." Mom said once we were there.
"Alright."I said. Foolish girl. I should have never said that! All seems fine till Dad comes in as I'm playing Zelda on my N64.
"You're home early." I said, surprised. It was only nine o'clock.
"We didn't go." My dad's face was void of emotion. that scares me. That only has happend a couple of times, and each time it had to do with mom.
"What? Why not?"
"Did mom stay with you for your piano lessons?"
"Uh, no. She said she looked to frumpy and didn't want to come in. Why?"
"She went to the Bar. When she came home she took her back pack upstairs, and that only means one thing." I hadn't known she had brought her backpack. She had told me she would go to the little cafe just down the block. She lied. Again.
"Oh.So why aer you back?"
"I told her I was disapointed she had gone to the bar. She got angry at me, told me it was my fault, because I made her take you to piano. 'How could you expect me to stay away with a bar that close?' is what she said. She could have stayed away. I know she could have. We all thought she would go in with you." Dad sighed heavily.
"Dad.. I'm so sorry! I should have made her come in with me."
"It wasn't your fault. It was her decision." He turned to leave.
"Dad?" I said, a terrible thought coming to me.
"Where's mom?" I could see his jaw shift, and when he looked at me, his eyes were empty.
"She got out of the car. I had hit the breaks because I was to upset to drive, and she got out of the car. I tried to get her back in, I pleaded with her, but she just began to run. I drove forwards a bit, and I tried to find her, but I couldn't. I don't know where she is." His voice was flat.
"where'd she get out?"
"Halfway to Town. by Mundson Mountain. For all I know she ran into an orchard and hid."
"I can't believe mom did that! You guys were so looking forward to this concert!"
"Well, I was. But I can't care anymore." With that he left. Downstairs I heard the TV come on, and Xmen II start to play. I thumped into my chair, and started to cry. Four months of rehab, four months and it all measured up to nothing. Damn It all!
This isn't the first Time, get a grip. I tell myself.
You actually thought she'd quit? a part of me sneered.
Yes, I did. I thought that she loved me enough that she would keep her promise.
You should know better.... she never does. Not to you. not to anyone.How long has she been 'trying' to quit? Hm? Sixteen years! Wiping my eyes dry, I scooped up my dog Red and gave him a hug. how nice it would be to be a dog. I walked to the kitchen down stairs, and saw my dad sleeping on the couch, Xmen battle noises and the flicker light of the TV set filling the living room. My poor dad. He loved her once, But she has hurt him too badly for him to feel much of anything anymore. Be hurt once to often and you shut your heart off. It just hurts too much. Last Time Mom took off for four days, emptying the bank account leaving us nothing for rent, food or any other bills. She still won't tell us where that money went. I don't know how we made it through but we did. The worst part is when she sees me after coming back, she's all smiles and acts as if nothing happend, and when I talk to her she tries to make it that Dad is so hard on her, that he's abusive. he has never, ever hit her, smacked her or hurt her in anyway, and I know this for a fact. but I've seen her, She yell at him, belittles him, and takes off from him countless times. I just don't know what to do anymore. But I won't cry anymore. I just can't do it. She's taken off too many times, lied too many times, I can't feel the pain anymore. If I do, It'll kill me.

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