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"Fatima said you stop dreaming when you get married, is that true?"
"That's not true. You dream all your life. It's one of God's gifts."
That's a lie. Because if it where true, God took away my gift years ago. I haven't dreamt in years and years. I have nightamres, but I've never had an actual good dream since I was in sixth grade. I think that means God took away my dreams. Wouldn't be the first time he took something away from me. He took away my friend tonight. God took him away and left me with nothing. He left me with broken memories, and a broken heart, and tears that won't stop coming out.
Life took away lots of things. Life took away my family, life took away my love, life took away my happiness. But I realized today that life didn't take away my dreams like I thought. Thanks to some stupid movie, I realized that God took away my dreams. Life took away everything I thought I had, and left me with dreams. But it turns out, I didn't even have those. They were taken away from me.
Like a friend once said: "Everything I love gets taken away from me."
No, I don't think they do. I think that life can take away a lot of things, but not all of it. God gives gifts too. But, he takes them away. He gave me the gift of dreams, but I must have used them wrong. Because, I don't think he would've taken them away if I was using them right.
And now all I have, is my broken heart, tear stained cheeks, a frown, my music, and memories. But, someone told me something about memories. I know I'm not going to say it right, if I even come close at all to it, but those memories are useless.
Memories fade. Fading memories are all you have left, and then they're gone. Like everything else you can ever lose, they're gone.
I think life is a high-stakes poker game. You have to bet on it. You can always fold, but that doesn't do any good. Because once you fold, you're outta the game for sure. You have to bet a lot of things. You risk a lot. You put friends, family, love, joy, happiness, everything, all on the line. And you either bet one at a time, or bet it all at once.
But do you win or lose? You know you've won when you've still got it all. When you've got everything you have, and you're happy you do. And you know you've won when you can bet again.
But you can also lose. That's when you lose it all. And even if you've only bet one thing, you lose everything else along with it. It all goes at the same time, together. And you're on the ground, with nothing but the clothes on your back, if you even have those. [Metaphorically speaking here.]
So what do you do? Chase those dreams? If you chase those dreams, you miss the real beauty that's standing in front of you. I've found what my real beauty is. It took me 14 years, a broken heart, aches and pains, and a hell of a lot of crying. It took two deaths, and an ever-fading friendship. Grief is my real beauty. And it's right in front of my face everyday. Grief mocks me, but it also hugs and holds me tight, keeping me warm and safe somehow. It keeps me within its' breast, letting me lay my head down and rest after it shows me what it's like to wander off from my path for too long. It shows me the dangerous side of things.
It shows me that it's okay to be me, and that I don't have to hide inside myself, but I can hide. It shows me that I can be happy, but I can also be sad or scared anytime too. It shows me that I can be free for a while, but I also need something with me. It's curls me up and nurtures me. It gives me my curiosity, my childlike wonder, my adventure, my youth.
But, it also gives me itself. It gives me grief. It gives me a reminder that it's always with me. Always riding on my back, or on my chest, weighing down my shoulders, or holding onto my feet. It's carrying me. I'm carrying it, and it's holding onto me. It holds my hand when I shut my eyes, and brushes across my face when there's wind. It nips at my nose when it's cold. It keeps me warm when I sleep, and watches over me, to keep me alive. It can't always make me happy, but it doesn't always make me sad.
I can feel actually feel it looking over my shoulder now. I can feel it wrapped around my waist, keeping me warm. I can feel it holding my hands, and hugging me close. I can feel it telling me everything will be okay, and that it will be better. I can hear it saying it's proud of me. I can feel it brush the hair out of my face, and hold my cheek.
Most of all, I can feel it smiling and loving me. Resting an arm around my shoulder and loving me.
I feel it.
 nangal · Sun Dec 14, 2008 @ 09:51am · 1 Comments |
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