Well, I admit it. I can't determine if I'm just shaking or having panic attacks anymore. I'm shaking now, but I don't know if it's a panic attack or me being cold. I feel so warm though.
I give up. I'm running through my tears. I'm running through my anger. I'm shaking so badly all the time. Nobody notices. I like being invisible. The invisible girl. I miss having someone understand. I was wrong.
None of them understood. Not through the argument, not through anything. I sit there alone, looking at everyone. I'm on the outside looking in. Or am I just there walking through? I don't know anymore. I'm denied everything. I give up. I give up I give up I give up.
But I'm admitting it.
I wrote so many letters. I wrote everything. I did it all. They're all still there. They're kept. I hid them. I put them where nobody could find them. I put them in the last place anyone would look. Where they won't be found. They're screaming at me. Like the tell tale heart. It's there. Not under the floorboards, but they're beating loud. It's so loud, I don't know if I can't sleep from them or from insomnia.
I'm going to burn them. I'll write one more, then burn them. The day I burn them, the day I go. I'm getting rid of my soul, the easy way. I'm going to keep it locked away. I wish I could just sew buttons onto my eyes and live in the alternate world. The world created for me. I'll sew my eyes and mouth. My mouth can be a permanent smile. If only movies were real. If only I really could go through a door in the wall. If only I could sew buttons onto my eyes. If only I could sew my mouth into a smile. If only they understood. If only they knew. If only they found them. If only they found me.
If only.
 nangal · Fri Feb 13, 2009 @ 03:27am · 0 Comments |
