Funny Quotes

credits :

1. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

2. I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

3. When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

4. Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. - Mrs. White, (Clue 1985)

5. Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

6. Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

7. What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

8. The road to success is always under construction.

9. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

10. Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...

11. Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.

12. No,please don't eat me. I have a wife and kids,eat them. - Homer

13. oh, man! We killed Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns is gonna be so mad! - Homer

14. "Press any key to continue, where's the any key?" - Homer

15. Sexy Unix Commands: date; unzip; touch; strip; finger; mount; gasp; yes; uptime;

16. Want to Make $$$$ with your Computer? No Risk! Simply press shift-4 four times in a row

17. Q: What is the difference between Windows 95 and Windows 98? A: 3 years

18. What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard? The space bar.

19. "I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

20. "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car"

21. "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."

22. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

23. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

24. "I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding." - Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons

25. it's okay to be ugly, just ask your mom.

26. you cry, i cry. you laugh, i laugh. you jump off a cliff........i laugh EVEN HARDER.

27. I told your boyfriend, he was a gay and then he hit me with his purse.

28. If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

29. Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

30. love is like a fart, it hurts when you don't let it out but it is embarrassing when you do.