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*sigh* i don't know what to say to you. honestly. I don't know what's wrong with me. And I'd tell you it's judt nothing, but you wouldn't take that. I called so i could talk to you. i felt like i should talk to you. but when i did...i felt like there was something there. maybe it' s just me. i don't know. i'd suggest i leave you alone, cuz it seems i'm more trouble to you than a help or anything usefl or good. i just make you wanna cry. i'm sorry io can't fak smile for you... i hate fake siling for you...and i shouldn't have to. i sould be able to give you something real. but it takes too much energy to lie to you. this stupid woman who thinks i have like twenty sibs won't help...shthe says i seem to be together and it's not like i'll correct her. i hate telling people i'm not where they think i should be. or worse where i know i should be. i have no reason to be the way i am...but yea. i sent you crap on gaia cuz i can't slep like this. and i didn't wanna call you again and sit threre not talking to you en all i wanted to do was tell you...but that's gone. i didn't talk to you and i can't talk to you like i want to..i can't even cut myself cuz i feel like i'm disappointing yo u ven more than i already do by just waking up every day...but that's pobably just my me coming in...though i can't bring myself to truly believe you're not disappointed i don't change and every morning i fall aslep and wake up the same person you hate and wish would go away and leave some other version of me that you could be happy with...i would erase all that like i do most my responses...but i don't feel like it...or mybe i do...but i guess you wanna know what i have to say...tho this is not half of it...and i hate what i just relized...*if i was your girlfriend~ prince!*...songs are stupid...and i wish i could find one that would reach out of the speakers and choke me...does it make me weird that i find nothing wrong or sad or even remotely depressing abot killing yourself but the fact of leaving your body out to be found? i mean if you're at the point of suicide, obviously other people who are going to be missing you aren't your area of concern cuz you can't change that. you can hide your body somewhere people would only find it if they were looking for a body. but i don't want to die. not until you do. cuz even with the pain of knowing i have to wake up to a world where you'rte not, I refuse to be the one to do that to you...i don't want to add to that list...and i'm sorry to mention it...but i've told myself i won't erase stuff from this. what else...i'll fake smile for you if you want me to....and i'm sorry. i hate saying that. cuz it doesn't fix you. and it doesn't fix me for you. i want to talk to you. i wrote that. and then wasted ink to scratch out the conversation i had started on paper. because i need to talk to you. i hate the internet. and phones. they're about as bad as silicon boobs. i want to see you. and talk to you. and hear your voice. not some distorted phone version of it. but i don't want to turn our lives nto my intervention where we figure out what'swrong with me. that's why i wanted to go to someone i could talk to about this crap. but we both know i'll spin a magic faery world of some kid who loves school and is trying to get her life together and jis emotionallly stable enough to do so. it's what i've been doing ayway. because i don't trust her with me. i want you to do it. but you are alredy pasing out and breaking down and you're dizzy and supposed ot be on drugs for problems you already have. i don't want to be the one to screw you over even more. but that's what i'm kinda dong anyway...and now i just spent a whole bell writing about crap. i feel like a waste...oh well... ON TO ACTING!!! xd biggrin

ha. my comment's longer than the journal. lol