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This isnt a poem or anything special...but ive just had so much on my mind and soo much pain i just have to express it somehow...

I have cried a lot more than i have laughed....I cry myself to sleep thinking about all the things that have gone wrong and all the times things havent gone the way it should have...if it wasnt for my dad breaking up with Alex...id still say,"I love you mom." to her but he had to ruin the little bit of happiness i had...and he f**cked up bad....thats why all of a sudden im adopted by my cousin .....I still cut....I still wish to die...I wish my life was a happy fairytale but my life wont be that way and hasnt been that way for my whole life...

One of the people that knows me the most and knows how to calm me down when i cry is Billy....he loves me more than words can express and i just dont have that love for him...and its killing him....everytime he says i love you lex....i just feel soo guilty....I'm just wondering if i should go out with him just so i wont have to live wtih all this guilt....I already have enough of it in my life....

Since i was 5 i was always second picked second loved and even second wanted....my dad never loved me and he still doesnt....he'll say he loves me only when i mess something up....like "you know i love you but u csant be so stupid all the time".....that hurts a lot but my older sister maya is loved all the ******** time because shes the "perfect daughter" Im not perfect....I smoke i drink and im emo and he thinks im an abbomination and he hates me for not liking stuff he likes and he just doesnt understand how much he hurts me....

My dads ex's have alll loved maya excpt for alex....i told her right off the bat that i smoked cigs...and she didnt care at all she always loved me for all my imperfections and she made me feel whole....I miss her soo much that im on the verge of tears as im writing this....

Everyone expects me not to cry to be happy all the ******** time we'll i havent been happy in a while and my life is full of fake smiles and lies....I dont lie to people i know on here just my ppl in rl....i have lied to billy so many times i dont know why i just dont want him to know....

To everyone reading this:
I am not a perfect person
I will never be what people want me to be
I wont stop smoking
I wont stop cutting
I wont stop hating every minute of my life....