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Well know I now, how different I am from the rest of this world, well the group of school friends I have.
Today I was outback, as I am at least once a week. Then I nocited jade was back there, with her new boyfriend. It bugs me thats shes dating him, hes my friend,and hes part of the cesspool. Thats what I call them. The lowest rungs of socetiy, the sluts, the stoners, the goths, the people everyone else has given up on. So am I. I dont want jade in this what I call the 'kingsville curse'. Well anywho I did a good job of avoiding her as I light up and did the only thing that makes me truly happy, that and love <3, but I'm not only to get all hippy like on you. Well outback to get out you have to walk by a fence that lets you look at the people. Like dogs with a doggy door, we know we're trapped inside but we want to be here, there is nothing else for us. Well she looked over and saw me in the middle of a huge toke. She was horrified. She didnt know anything about me until then, now she knows too much. I can only imagine her face. Her best friend her 'soul sister' doing what is considered 'dirty' and 'unclean', I am not a bad person I just dont like it here, I want to get away. She still wont talk to me.
Well later I was talking to my friends ellen and chandra were talking to me on the phone. They asked me if I knew anyone who knew anyone who could sell them some weed. How little they know, its heartbreaking in a way. All these children get there first tooks, first trips, first chance to experince life. While I need to stay normal. I cant imagine my life without the drugs, is that so hard? Why I am such a leech in this cess pool. I hate it. I hate everyone. I just wanna run away get away from everything, but then I smell it and I just cant control myself. The surprise to me, is that no one knew. I've known these people since September now its january, and only a handful of people know. Its funny when you think about it, your life all your little secrets inside your brain each buzzing not wishing to be told, and at the same time holding so much life so many things more to do that it disgusts you.
I dont like kingsville, I'm not an abuser just an overuser if you read this and tell me I need help I'll slit you somewhere important. I just need to get out of the cess pool. And I do not want jade in it. I think thats the thing thats really pissing me off, she needs better then that. Theres no loser like a kingsville loser. I was thinking of making my new years resolution to get away from it all. But I would miss it too much, its all I've ever known. With that I say this is only a look into my life facts tell you nothing. You know nothing until you look inside my head. I'm too ******** up to trust anyone, so dont try asking, I'll just tell you the facts which will rot away with time, while me they stick to my bones and rot with me.
Well I'm having a very zen moment, very in touch with my feelings, memories that should be forgotten. But I guess again I am stoned.
Music Happy? - Mudvanye
Peel me from the skin
Tear me from the rind
Does it make you happy now?
Tear meat from the bone
Tear me from myself
Are you feeling happy now?
 Circus Hopping · Fri Jan 27, 2006 @ 12:00am · 1 Comments |
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