I’ve noticed a big patter happen with my relationship for the past little while. I’ve noticed that there tends to be less time for me (at least in my mind?) . I always tend to ******** up somehow and theres fights over the littlest things...I feel as if im some sort of dummy most of the time. Don’t get me wrong I have some great days like half of today but not often. I’ve also noticed my girlfriend has ZERO attraction to me...We havn’t done anything in months....and my conscience keeps suggesting that the good stuff in the relationship is given to someone else...Now I’m a weird person. My conscience is actually this little character that I can visualize and communicate with. I constantly argue with it saying no youre wrong youre wrong...but it always keep getting to me...and i really do feel like I am being left out...like I’m nothing...like im just a dummy...my conscience tells me plenty of things i hate to hear like....real type of facts that I don’t want to accept...I always try to tell myself I’m not dumb and so does my girlfriend and my parents...but it always seems other factors and my conscience overpower me in everything. Especially with this...I want to confront my girlfriend and say “why wont we have sex?” but I KNOW nothing good will come out of that......Shes clearly grown tired of me and maybe needs better pleasure? At least thats what this guy tells me...I find it hard to believe both sides (my girlfriend vs conscience) its not that I don’t trust her..it’s just the fact that the thought won’t go away and my conscience always tends to make good points. Although sexual intimacy isn’t the only thing im worried about in our relationship...it’s one of the biggest hints that tells me shes tired of me and needs someone else...wants someone else or has someone else..I always cry thinking about this like I am right now...because it kills me to even think one second about it. I trust my girlfriend it’s just this god damn ******** thing never shuts up. I don’t want to listen to it but its constant! Everyone has these thoughts and everyone has a conscience...so anyone who is human and reading this can kinda know what I mean. I don’t know how to approach my girlfriend and be like...okay this is how I feel and I wanna know whats going on and I want a legitimate reason why you aren’t sexually attracted to me anymore..why I have to constantly ask for an I love you...things like that...but it’s easier said than done. I know all she will say “I don’t know” but in my mind i truely believe she does know and shes been hiding it for time, and I want to know why. Everytime its brought up i always lose and never get an answer....why am i always sexually interested in her but shes never interested in me? Today kind of put my conscience over the edge....My girlfriend finished work and long story short...(can’t say many details because some s**t is personal) she is gone for two hours. Well more than two hours but now she can’t text me at all....That is kind of a red flag isn’t it? Thats what my conscience keeps saying and I can’t help but agree in shame and fright. I need answers...I need them now before I blame myself and cause pain to myself by just thinking of possible answers...I don’t know how much longer I can go without my girlfriend showing her intimacy towards me....A lot of times I feel like I have to force her to tell me she loves me and that she doesn’t mean it. And why do I feel this way? Thats right you guessed it...my god damn conscience. It’s always popping out when I don’t need it to and it drives me insane...but on the other hand...If I had some answers and knew what was really going on...then things would be just fine...and honestly...If my girlfriend had to straight up tell me to my face...Luke I’m cheating or I don’t love you...or youre ugly and I don’t want to be near you...as most would...I’d probably pack up my life and just let her be...Yes i’d be devastated the rest of my life..but It would be worth it..because nothing would be a lie...BUT!!! on the contraire if my gay stupid annoying conscience is wrong....it will ruin my relationship because my girlfriend will feel insecure, unloved, and untrusted and I would feel like a complete a*****e like I do right now. This girl...I’ve known her for time now and honestly..she doesn’t seem like the type of person AT ALL who would ever even think one second about cheating or ANYTHING. So thats why I am so god damn puzzled. Don’t you ever wish you had no conscience? I’ve been wishing it for so long....I want it gone ]: I want my girlfriend to love me...I want her to be attracted to me...I want her to love me again...I don’t want to make ANY accusations upon her because that isn’t fair...for all she knows I could be cheating right? BUT YET! I’m the one questioning things....Thats why I feel like a jerk...I need some help to find out how I can speak to my girlfriend about these soft spots without making accusations, hurting her, and to do it calmly. If anyone is reading this journal who can give me ANY advice please do so...because I’m trapped and I need help. Tonight I’m going to let her rest and maybe tomorrow I will try speaking to her in a mature matter about these issues...and hopefully I’ll get some answers...if not..well I don’t know what I’m going to do. I hope when I bring it up to her she doesn’t feel neglected, unloved, untrusted or anything like that. I trust her plenty...although she trusts me a lot more...and I love her with all my heart. Thats why I’m still around and trying to fix things. “I love you baby.... I don’t want to hurt you! I’d rather me be hurt than you. All I ask is for one conversaion about this and some answers”. Thats my wish of the night. Oh and I have never mentioned this to anyone because well...i’ve never really really thought about it and that I actually have a pattern of doing it and i just noticed...so here it is. Almost everyday I tend to make a wish...either for myself or for others or what have you. It’s weird because everyday I do it without really realizing...and now i found out something new about myself. So yea. My wish for tonight is to be able to have a calm and proper conversation with my girlfriend about some issues and that everything will turn out fine and she will love me in the end. </3 <-- can I mould that broken heart together? I think so. But not tonight.
End of Entry #18.
Luke. J. Hollis.
In all the emotion I got caught up and forgot to talk about normal life things. I went to my job interview two days ago at zellres and things look promising. I had an excellent interview and she semmed pleased with my reume and how I presented myself. They have a couple of more interviews to do till they make phonecalls. I really hope I`m on that list. I also took a huge trip today to my college that I plan on going to. I won't state where I'm going but I am going for business. Uhm...I went to write two simple entry tests today. One was english and one was mathamatics. I did OKAY on the english but bombed the mental math. Although it does not affect my offer of admission...It's still kind of upsetting. Also the drive back home was TERRIBLE! I was on the highway for almost an hour today! It was pouring rain and I couldn't see a thing that was even 5 meters ahead of me. It was rather scary, but with safe driving I managed to make it home safely. (unfortunatly...)
End Of Entry #18.
Luke. J. Hollis.
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A walk-through of my day, my thoughts, my feelings.