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On Another Note...


JaneyBlaze
Community Member
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Only a few years ago did I despise pink and all its girly complements.

My negative attitude and outlook on life showed in my clothing and expressions. Nothing was pure. Everything was the same agonizing routine of life; however, this is because I chose to believe that my life was an unsympathetic dreary pit that I had dug for myself.

My friend (online) made me realize my "passive" pleas for attention. That this hole I was digging was this desperate self-absorbed loneliness I chose to hide in. Skipping the details, a lot of intense life changing occurrences ruled my life for quite a few years. Never was I the adolescent teen and mean to my parents, I just tried my best to deal with everything that’s happened in my own way. This meant I excluded a lot of people from my life by not trying to keep them in. Although not many were 'worthy', I should have given them a chance. Every other day was another incident where I just wanted to coil up in the folds of my hair, cringe further into my baggy, unflattering clothes, and cry more discreetly in the crook of my arm during class. (Oh yeah, it’s that sadistic!)

I was always more mature for my age (as a lot of us have to be), but for a while I was without my senses. Exhausted from all the sleepless nights, second helpings, failing grades, family looking down on me… I finally started to climb the perpetual darkness of the hole I was digging. I didn't have much help. I had to climb out of my depression by myself too many times. As soon as I would look down I would have an anxiety attack and have to start over months later after realizing I was the one down on myself. ******** this life. ******** school. Screw these people! Wait a second...?

(Perhaps it was 'clinical depression'; I see it as just another experience of life. Depression is finding serenity for yourself, not your psychiatrist.)

Finally figuring out that to strive for love and attention wasn't going to hail from the graces of God, I sought love for myself.
And pink! A color I despised for it's happy, girly compliments.

Moral of my story:
Learn to love the things you hate. I try to understand those nouns I disliked by making excuses for their adjectives and verbs where they give none. There are factors we probably don't yet see, so keep your faith in people as well as colors.
Please do not pity yourself; this is not the type of attitude to fuel your life.
Learn to love yourself first or you will never be able to love others to the fullest.
No matter how hard things get (and GOD KNOWS I know it’s hard..) please know you are only as strong as what you believe yourself to be. (Insert anime references such as Naruto, Bleach, DBZ here).

I wish I could have read my own words years ago, when "it'll be okay" wasn't enough. ******** that, it still isn't :p (at least they care enough to say comforting words, because they probably have their own full plate).





 
 
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