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I....I Wish I Was Dead... |
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I'm gonna come out straight and just say it: I do wish I was dead right now. I am so angry and depressed I don't even know what to think or say right now. Someone obviously hates me, because when the s**t hits the fan, I always seem to be right in front of it.
You know, you can tell other people to cheer up, and try to be happy, but it doesn't work. I'm sick of being the happy one, the one who always looks on the bright side of things, always trying to pick people up when their down, and making them feel better. There's just a point where the music doesn't help anymore, and the words lose their meaning and you wanna just curl into a ball and disappear.
Last night stuff happened, and first off, after mentioning that, I wanna say I don't want anyone talking to me about what's wrong, or trying to apologize for something they don't even know they did, or trying to cheer me up. It's not gonna work, and if you do try, I'm gonna ignore it.
Honestly, no one can understand. I realize that when people say stuff like, "I feel your pain", that's total bullshit. Everyone feels different pains and you can't understand someone else's unless you live through it yourself. That is why no one can help, and for that matter, I don't want help. Being pissed off like this is fun in some ways, I've been enjoying it. I don't plan on "feeling better" anytime soon.
You might not realize it, but in this journal, there are so many things I want to say, but can't, out of the fact that I don't want anyone reading about them. I have some serious skeletons that no one can ever see, and I mean ever.
Today I completely avoided my friends at all costs. I took different routes on the way to class so I wouldn't meet up with them, and I had lunch by myself, which was nice, I found a secluded spot no one would find me in. It took me a while though, I kept going places idiot couples thought no one would go to. I even left 7th period early too, so I could get to the buses before anyone would have left class yet, so I wouldn't see them.
Amanda actually tried to start a conversation on the bus, the b***h, and because of her this morning, I got confronted before school started by everyone, when I wanted to just be alone.
I really hate her, I cannot stand how she can treat people, and how she talks about how she misses her poor Jesse, and how everything is never going her way. I know I sound like a hypocrite preaching about her like this, but when you do nothing but sulk and feel miserable all the time, then you truly deserve to be unhappy. She has no idea how lucky she is. If he honestly does like her, I pity him and admire him, because he doesn't know how she really is, and because he can still love a person like her. She's nothing but a selfish little spoiled brat, and I can't believe she can play with peoples lives like that just for attention.
I had Akamaru, so it wasn't too bad, but everything kept falling apart. I couldn't get any happiness out of being alone, and as if it couldn't get any worse, a white dog with the saddest eyes followed me home, practically to my driveway. I had to shoo him away and beg my brother not to scare him off with a bat.
So that's why I'm writing this, to once again explain that there are some things better left unsaid, and that my friends should be happy they don't have to pretend to be someone they're not, and hide stuff from each other every day, and pray that one day they could open up to someone, and not sit there, truly alone, every day, with nothing but false hopes that I can get over it, it'll pass. I don't think they could ever understand what's wrong with me, not completely anyway.
But the truth is, out of everything like being punched or stabbed, out of all of that, nothing can even compare to emotional pain. It hurts ten times more because you can't heal that kind of pain with medicine, and the scrapes and bruises never go away, the just become scars that only you can see, and every day they remind you of what you are.
So there, you want a look inside the real me? There you have it, enjoy.
Edible Substance · Fri Dec 03, 2004 @ 03:08pm · 1 Comments |
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