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Love, Suicide, and Graves
Complicated words flowing from my eager little mind to my fingers which transfer weird little thoughts onto this computer screen... Enjoy.
The Future I Can't Envision
Twenty-eight days...

Twenty-eight days...

Twenty-eight days...

28 DAYS AND SCHOOL'S OUT!

Of course, I cannot wait! It's amazing. Y'know, all last year I kept saying "Next year will be better..." "Next year will be better..." "This won't happen next year... Cause next year will be better." Well, I don't know if this year was better... I don't know what this year was. More stressful. Yeah. Probably that. Though, 9th grade was horribly stressful too; I think that was mainly because of marching band and how I would wish every practice that I would lose a finger... or break my back... my legs... anything to get out of practice! This year though the stress of wanting my Muther to be happy, that's what really got me I think. I want to do good for her and do everything she didn't when she was in highschool. (She got married and was pregnant with me when she turned eighteen. Before I was even born though they were divorced. I don't really know that whole story. Nor do I care... But that should be in another journal. 3nodding ) But sometimes, I just can't care... And then I hate myself for not caring enough about school and my future that I just don't do this or I blow off that. I don't care about money. No. Not at all. I don't see money in my future. So that's not a problem.

I have a feeling everyone feels this way or has some kind of pressure simliar to this; wanting to make their parents proud. We seek approval with so much of our being. Usually by the ones we hold close to our hearts and care about. For some others though it's more of an extreme case and they seek approval from everyone (models?). But... We shouldn't do things because we want to seek approval of someone else or make someone else happy, right? We should do it because we want it. Not because they do. But we don't know how to make ourselves happy. We don't know what we want.

So, I do have to take in account that my Muther has been around longer and seen more and lived this s**t; I know she's not as intelligent as I am (that's not being conceited, it's just truth) but she has way more experience. So, she knows what she's talking about right? "I will regret it later on if I don't do this and that." she says. Maybe she knows what she's talking about when she says I want that. Maybe I will want that, even if I don't now.

I'm just so damned apathetic about the future though.

And I usually don't look back upon things and regret it so much that I've ruined the 'now' either.

Maybe she isn't right.

I can't tell. Maybe I won't until it happens and I have "ruined my life". When that time comes though, I'll do what I've always done... I'll take responsibility and move on; live it out and still not care.

I wish I could care though. Care about something else other than making people happy. Or is that selfish?

Then again, how can I care about a future I don't know about? I could die tomorrow and would I be happy with what I've already done? If I had been doing everything I'd been told, would I be happy with that once dead? Would I rather be happy doing some else? What would that something else be? I don't even know what I would be doing otherwise (if not doing what told)... Just wasting away. Waiting. Waiting for something else... The future I can't envision.

- Going To Raise That Newly Found D+ In That One ******** Class,
Tasha.



"I accel at not giving a s**t." - George Lass (Ellen Moth?), Dead Like Me.






User Comments: [2] [add]
lollipop-heart-stab
Community Member
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commentCommented on: Tue May 02, 2006 @ 05:31pm
Rightfully said tasha *nodd*

It is hard to give a s**t about much of anything these days -.- I know what you mean when you wish you cared and just can't. School is the bigest issue for us at the moment, so i'll relate to that.

I'd like to care that i'm most likely failing two or more of my classes......but I just don't....or can't how ever you want to see it. But the reason I don't care anymore/can't care any more is different from you, oddly enough. I can't/won't/don't care because I know i'll never be as good as the people around me. I spent years trying to live up to even the shittiest person I know.....and STILL I can't even add up to them. Sure....I might be able to do something better than another person, but I'll never be able to ammount to what I want myself to be. Knowing that, actually taking the time to sit down and think about all of this and figureing it all out.....it hurts. Oh god does it hurt to know that. But I can't give a s**t anymore about anything but the here and now not the when and how or how i'm going to mess up my furture. Because I'm most likely going to end up by myself working some shitty job that I still won't care anything about.

It makes you stop and wonder.........what the hell are you liveing for anyway? I ask that to myself everyday. Why am I still here? What am I living for? What do I have to look forward to? The answer that I get isn't a joyful one........and yet again I make myself sick how much I think about it all.

*sigh* ok well I've gone into incoherent rambleing now sweatdrop xp

But, yeah. I know how it is with not being able to give a s**t. 3nodding

"Nothing is as nothing does.......so why are we all still here?"-Quote of the day.


commentCommented on: Fri May 05, 2006 @ 12:54am
Years don't get better. They stay the same. Something always happens to ******** it up. Wether it be grades, family problems, friend problems(which I can't help but ******** care about), or whatever, something almost always throws a wrench into the system.

I'm doing horrible in my classes, but I can't complain, it's my fault. I'm the one ruining my grades. I just can't help but not care. Money isn't an issue with me, I enjoy simplicity, that's why I hate my house, it's too big, we have practically three living rooms, a basement, and an upstairs AND a bedroom we don'r use. I can't stand it. If I end up getting a minimum wage job, I won't mind, but I also don't want to dissapoint my parents.

I know how you feel Jessi, like I said in my journal, what am I good for?


But, I'll shut up now.



Pol Koshka
Community Member
User Comments: [2] [add]