So...last night I did a thing.
I came in from work. I did something that upset him. He yelled. Threw a wine bottle at me. I cried. I sat in my kitchen and cried. Not even understanding what I did. All I knew was that I was miserable. I noticed that our bedroom light was off...I thought maybe it was safe just to try to muffle my crying and crawl into bed. He wasn't asleep. The arguing went on for hours. And when I say arguing I mean him fussing and saying mean things and me crying harder. And I don't even know where it came from.
"You make me miserable. Living here in this house with you makes me miserable. Knowing I have to come home to you after school or work puts a knot in my stomach. You make me so miserable, some days all I want to do is kill myself..."
I told him how I actually felt. And his response?
"well honey, if you really wanted to kill yourself you could have already done it. You have multiple options to pick from"
....
.......................
what? what the actual ********? at this point i couldn't even cry. my mind stopped. i just laid there. more arguing went on and I finally just said
"I hope one morning you wake up and call out for me. Whether you want to apologize. Or you can't find your other boot. Or you're sick and need me to get you medicine. Or you want to cuddle. Or ********. WHATEVER it is. I hope you get up when I dont respond. I hope you look for me. I hope you get pissed that I havent responded to your call. And I hope you find me dead. Laying there in the floor. In a puddle of my own blood. Because you have made me so miserable I would rather be dead than live another day knowing I have to be married to you and talked down to and treated worse than our animals. I hope then you realize just how shitty you are to me."
I took my pillow and went to the couch. At this point I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. Like...that ugly snotty weird sounds kindof crying.
And then it hit me. There was a gun in the house that he didn't know about. My S&W...
just in the next room was a gun. with two loaded clips. i sat on the couch for a minute or two and I decided. I was going to do it. I couldn't take it anymore. My family doesn't really talk to me. I don't have any friends. My husband hates me.
and as soon as I get the gun and go to the kitchen I sit in the floor where I last held my sweet Luke (my dog that I had to put down) after he got into a fight with my other male all bloody and a mess. And all I can remember, despite the pain he was in, all he wanted to do was make sure I was okay...He tried to lick away my tears and just looked at me with his big beautiful eyes and just wanted to be in my arms. And at this point I was crying even harder.
And the next thing I know I'm looking up at my mother in law (who recently moved back in with us). Her face was indescribable. It was like fear mixed with shock mixed with worry.
She sat in front of me and just sat there...and she waited for me to talk...I was almost embarrassed that yet again I had failed to end my life. And then I realized that my sweet Luke and his memory was the reason I hadnt done it...numerous times he had saved my life when he was alive...and here he had just saved my life even after he is gone. I know it sounds crazy...but I don't know how else to describe it all..
My mother in law just ended up holding me while I cried in my kitchen floor until I cried myself to sleep...when I woke up she was still awake. It was like she never moved. As if she was scared that I would still try to take my life...
I don't even know why I'm posting this...I guess i just need to vent because I can't sleep again and the gun still calls my name...But I wont...I can't. I can't be that weak to just give up...I cant..
ChydiZZy Community Member 
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