Aged now more than I thought possible in what feels like such a short period of time, so much turmoil has taken place I find myself longing for the days of my childhood. Times weren't necessarily different, but they were a fair amount easier to deal with.
I never felt as alone then as I do now.
The past ten years especially have compounded this loneliness plaguing me; I'm only wanted where I'm useful to someone and hardly ever receive any compassion in return. I know that in human nature we will often find ourselves feeling this way, when it is really only a perception we have of our place in the lives of others. In truth, we might be much more appreciated than we realize because everyone feels like they show appreciation in the best way they can because they might not realize what we need.
But I can't help feeling like I'm taken for granted.
Periodically in the past ten to fourteen years my birthday has been forgotten, even by family and those at the time I considered close friends. Yes, life circumstances played a heavy role in why it transpired how it did, but even a small act of appreciation for me being a part of their lives was overlooked. A hug, or a kind word, help making my own dinner to celebrate with the people I loved all overlooked.
I have never felt more like a mother in these years than I have ever in my life, and its all been for people who are older than me; friends I've come to the rescue for, family I've picked up the slack for when they've been busy or sick or when its been their special day.
I feel resentful, and I probably shouldn't because they all have excuses as to why things were justified in that moment.
"You never had to do those things." I've been told, in truth I did in order to keep peace and resentment to a minimum.
"You can pick out whatever you want." True I could, but there's not a shred of love in that statement. There's not a thought of caring about my individuality and how you appreciate the role you've allowed me to take in our lives together.
I have played the peace keeper, the techy to whom everyone tries to troubleshoot through, but I'm tired. And disappointed, I've been the 'little mommy' since the age I was old enough to cook meals by myself all to help those I love.
But I'm tired, I was a motherly type before I was ever a mother. And now at the impending age of thirty looming over me, I don't know if I can be a mother of my own children; plenty of other women have issues having a family of their own and I sympathize with them greatly.
But I don't know if I can, I'm attempting to be and failing every month making me feel like less of a woman and more of a useless tool to be used and discarded whenever someone has need of me.
Maybe I need to be alone, on my own for a long while. A feat for me since I've always been there for other people forsaking my own growth for their benefits.
So I share here my confusion and sadness over a situation I've allowed myself to be in.
Happy birthday, happy birthday to me...
 darkness11924 · Thu May 17, 2018 @ 12:16am · 0 Comments |
