I've always wanted to write a blog. Some words of wisdom for others to experience. Not that my life is of any more importance- but perhaps how I deal with my own existence will help others cope. I may have it better or worse than others but the road is usually the same. Just like in Supernatural, right? Dean and Sam run into their sibling conflict. Cut to some supernatural dilemma. They settle their differences. Rinse and repeat.. We all have our family issues. Health. Money. Job. School. What to wear today? Will I eat? We're all in the same boat- not the same shoes.
With that said, I like to give examples from my life to explain how to cope. It's not as easy as Yoda saying 'be strong you must MMMmm'.
I've never written a blog and my booty is going numb sitting on the floor so as to not disturb my sleeping boyfriend- so let's see...
My last journal entry was about how I used to despise the color pink. Every shade unless paired with black. You could feel the teenage angst lol. I've found that everything I have ever hated comes back and smacks me in the face. My hair is now paneled white, pink, and purple. My nails are pink and purple. I'm wearing purple- the list goes on.
Ok there wasn't much to talk about there.
I still hate when people brag. When there's no toilet paper. Blind ignorance- closed mindedness. Moving along.
I've found two guys on GaiaOnline now. This should honestly be in a whole separate journal but I feel like it. Sharing it, reliving it.. fun times.
The first guy I had talked to for two years. I was in a couple relationships at the time. I felt like I could talk to him about anything. I felt he was my hippy soulmate. My bf broke up with me so he could gtfo the south. Legit it was the only reason. At that time we had just started college. And I had started on 325mg of Welbutrin (Way too high a dose of antidepressants for someone who wasn't legitimately dealing with anxiety). That ******** me up real hard. I blame a lot of what happened on them. So skipping as many details as I can- I visited GaiaBoy in Iowa (1,000 miles away) and lied to my mom about it. (blaming the drugs throughout ok?). I liked him. After college I basically moved in with him. I didn't realize I would be. Or that I was basically giving my whole family the middle finger. I go up there, to no friends no family no career. Just for him. He treats me like doodoo. We're smoking 5 dabs of shatter a day. We hardly bond. I was feeling used. I instantly stop taking my medication- he said they were making me crazy. FF. I can't sleep for two months. My family never talks to me. I go to visit- honestly waiting for them to say they feel I should move back. That I made a mistake. That i've gained weight, that my eyes look like black pits. Nothing. Still no sleep. I would watch the sun come up and fade. Rinse and repeat. Rise and repeat. Rise and fall. Fall and rise. It made no difference. I hated my life I hated it all I wish I could have died leaving it all. We moved in with his mom and her husband. It did not get better. I had no friends. Still smoking. Still no sleep. Still feeling used. Feeling like a nobody with no family. Living off the food bank. Free stores. Anxiety through the roof. Health was at an all time low. Couldn't focus on reading, gaming, music, television, crochet, drawing... Nothing. I would just stare at my closed eyelids. The ceiling. The wall. Nothing. Finally I managed to flip the ******** it switch all the way on and went manic. Not surprising, really. I ended up with a list of ******** up things I did that I vaguely remember. A few of them being: dancing in the street with no pants on then sobbing, flipping off a cop, and biting his mom in the face. Reeeaaall nice. I stayed up for 4 days straight in the psych ward. Injected 4 times. As soon as my period started I could sleep lol- I was diagnosed with PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder). So basically when i'm under extreme levels of stress my estrogen recycles itself into angry estrogen and causes a manic episode. Good times! My mom and sister came up and rescued me. I went back up to Iowa after everything was settled with psychiatrists. They had me on a medication that made me spasm on the floor every time I had to pee so I was forced to pee on myself. That was awesome. I was far gone but still there. Felt SOOO GREAT. (nope nope nope). I begged the psychiatrist to not prescribe me anything, and that i would rather eat healthy, exercise, and take vitamins. He looked bemused the whole time. I was obviously not in a good environment. So long story longer I went back to Iowa, went back to MS and visited hoping they would ask me back- so that I would know I had something here still. I missed the trees. The southern hospitality. The food. OH my god I missed the food. The last person to visit was my friend. I finally broke down and begged him to just tell me he wants me to come back or something. He helps me move out. I did all of this bullshit for one guy. I saw his potential. I saw how great he was. But he didn't love himself. He loved the idea of having me around. His friends all thought I was running away from my life. I have so many issues with my time in Iowa but no more time wasted on something I'd rather play a game of league over. Which is about to happen because I can't feel my booty cheeks. Oh and the friend that helped me move later helped in scarring my lady parts because I trusted myself to be drunk around him and he rapes me smile I forgive. But I also forget really really hard. Way to ruin a relationship, bro. The second guy well.. He's cool as ********. Just wasn't on my level of things. I dated him twice and didn't think it would work out both times. I just recently broke his heart again- and before Christmas as well. I offered to give back everything he had ever bought me but he declined. I'm not sure if he wanted to formally end things on his end.. I hate I hurt him. But I tried. Me and relationships have always been somehow one-sided. Either I end up the used victim or I feel I have wasted someone's time trying. Two months later and I end up dating again. I did not expect to. I honestly didn't want to. But I don't think i've ever been with someone like him. Honestly? I've never been with an actual man before. He's still nerdy. He still farts and giggles like a child. But he's a man. He takes care of his mom. His brother. He's been through so much s**t and yet he can still turn his attention towards me and make me laugh. It's funny. I took over his job after he left. Now i'm dating him and pretty much living with him now. I hate how fast things were moving. And are moving. But ******** it. ******** being cautious. I fell and I don't care what people think. How many hopeful hearts were broken. I'm so happy.
I also just recently quit my job as a dishwasher and prep cook.
Things are changing in my life. A little too fast, yes. But i'm taking it all in, one breath at a time.
Moral of the story:
I mutilated myself both physically and mentally over a guy who I feel catfished me on this site. You can know someone- but not their habits. You can love someone but not their habits. You cannot change someone else, only yourself. If you feel you may need drugs for a mental disorder- don't. Every two weeks before the start of my period I feel myself change towards people. I accept that and take a moment to realize myself. It's like being hangry. Just eat, right? It's hard to feed your state of mind but with time you'll be able to understand yourself better and check yourself before you wreck a relationship with work or someone close to you just because 'you weren't feeling it'. Don't force yourself, but find that balance. Take a multivitamin at least. Exercise. That doesn't mean go to the gym.. Just do yoga. Squats. Push ups. Walk an extra mile a day. Start running. Be nice to your body. Feed your brain some serotonin. Talk about your problems. Accept people into your life by giving them a 5 minute call. Text them. Send them a card. Bring over leftovers. Fight your anxiety day by day. I still have severe social anxiety. I take a deep breath, drink lots of water (I know now that being dehydrated makes it so much more awful) and tell yourself why you're being irrational. We're all in the same boat, not the same shoes. So go out and rock your own converse. No one actually gives a ******** unless you want them to.
Also, Love literally only happens when you're not looking for it. When you're fine with yourself. When you're minding your own business. Everything is a double-edged sword, of course. They may not love themselves as you do. They may have baggage exceeding yours. They may see the potential to use you. The list goes on. Find you someone you can fart around, poop in the same room as, instantly fall asleep with. Find your ride or die. And keep them. Don't change yourself completely for someone. When you find someone you genuinely like- keep in mind your dreams. If he wants to go south and you want to go north ya'll may as well do what you want to do. I don't mean that literally- sometimes you can compromise in the middle. Just make sure that that is an option before hearts are broken for no personal reason other than our selfish human desires. Love is such a stupid construct- or so I thought. I want memories with him. I want what's best for him and me. I want him by my side every night. Trust me- love will smack you upside yo fohead. Don't worry about being alone forever. Accept that you might- and be happy about it. We all die alone anyway and the sooner you accept that you'll be better off. And feel grateful when you find that ride or die. So that when the ride ends you have someone to think of.
Rants and ramblings aside, i'm happy I finally got around to making a journal entry. Some form of blog on a deserted island that is Gaia. I have a lot to talk about. Perhaps it's for my own selfish reasons to share. But I do have good intentions. My views on death, life, ignorance, abortion, news, pollution... they've helped a lot of people in my daily life. Sometimes i'm just not good with words when there's no context. It's easy to answer a question based on who is asking. Short or long? Tone? When there's nothing but blank space there's a lot of formless rants to be had.
So with that, let me know if there's anything bothering you. I'll be here.
cricket chirps fading into the distance
Hol'up. One more P.S.
While sitting on the porch in Iowa smoking a cigarette, feeling a crisp breeze wind through the screen windows and through the trees filtered with the setting sun blowing leaves through the street. The clacking of my solar powered minney mouse plant and listening to Modest Mouse-World at large. I decided to move. I wanted to so desperately. So I'm posting the lyrics here. Modest mouse caressed my soul through my severe depression. Of trying to make things work. Of leaving everything I genuinely cared about behind.
Ice age, heat wave, can't complain
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another planet
Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand
I move on to another day
To a whole new town with a whole new way
Went to the porch to have a thought
Got to the door and, again, I couldn't stop
You don't know where and you don't know when
But you still got your words and you got your friends
Walk along to another day
Work a little harder work another way
Well uh-uh, baby, I ain't got no plan
Well I float on, maybe would you understand?
Gonna float on, maybe would you understand?
Well I float on, maybe would you understand?
The days get shorter and the nights get cold
I like the autumn but this place is getting old
I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most
The days get longer and the nights smell green
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave
I like songs about drifters, books about the same
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane
Walked on off to another spot
I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?
The moths beat themselves to death against the lights
Adding their breeze to the summer nights
Outside water like air was gray
I didn't know what I had that day
Walk a little farther to another plan
You said that you did, but you didn't understand
I know that starting over's not what life's about
But my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth
My thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth
My thoughts were so loud, ah