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On Another Note...


JaneyBlaze
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Sigh
I've always wanted to get down and dirty about the details of living in Iowa. No one wants to hear such a personal rant- a sob story. It was horrible for me- and no one can understand completely. But there were good days.
When I came to realize no one could possibly understand my feelings I turned to God. Whoever he may be. I've had a lot of disconnected things happen in my life I can only blame on someone above looking out for me. My favorite one being the time I was lost in the woods with a setting sun. I would normally mark where I was going, and was careful not to go anywhere but straight so not to get confused on my directions. I knew the sun set in the west. But with so many trees and a setting sun, I couldn't even decide where the sun was. I started to panic and look for some place to bunker down in while praying. As I was looking around, a white dog stood looking back at me. We stared at each other for a while before I just knew this dog was here to guide me back. I followed him through the woods- the dog pausing to let me catch up. I make it right to my backyard. I turn around to pet the dog and thank him but he was nowhere to be found. I lived in a figure-8 neighborhood. I knew every animal and kid living in it by skateboarding around. I had been to almost everyone's house, knew everything by heart. I even knew the layout of the woods and one mansion that lived in the woods and across a pasture. Knew everything for miles (except the woods of course). I even knew about the indian creek (which was what I was looking for at the time). I never saw that dog again, and even asked around about him. Anyway- dogs are amazing. So are cats. Animals remind me of God- they listen. They seem to understand. They don't talk back- but give signs of understanding or even guidance. That really helps me through life.
When I was going batshit crazy in Iowa, it was harder to find that same sort of agnostic comfort in existence when you're trying to understand yourself and the others around you while living with a whole new culture. New food, people, and environment.
I spent a year of my life trying to make it work with him. I thought it was me. So I tried my best to figure out what was wrong with me. Which caused severe stress, anxiety, depression, sleepless weeks/months, food intolerance, suicidal bullshit, mild schizophrenia, ect. The antidepressants I abruptly stopped taking, and the abuse of taking too much shatter a day did not help of course along with a terrible diet and lack of exercise. He couldn't understand me, I was crazy anyway I don't blame him. It still hurts my brain trying to think about all the things that went wrong. I was in the wrong. He was. My family was. My dad made me cry all night staying over at his place trying to tell me it was a bad idea. He hurt me trying to make me stay and made me run instead. My sister is just like him- I went away to New York and the same day I come back (I was only gone a week for NYCC) there's a bar fight. She gets s**t faced because of her own bf troubles. We get back from the second bar without him and she gets mad over some little inconvenience and walks away. Comes back with a shotgun asking how to load it so she can shoot herself in the face. Scared, I run and sob in the street like some crazy person for a few hours before I felt safe going back to my room. I don't understand people as much as I don't understand myself sometimes. I wish, like many others, I could run away from this life. Start my own from scratch. I feel like I started a save game that someone else I don't know already started for me, but only stopped playing a quarter of the way through. Enough so that I can still carve out what I want but just enough that it's still annoying that it's not exactly how I wanted things to go. It's frustrating. Frustration is when there's little to nothing you can do about a situation. So I just drop it and move on and do what I can elsewhere. When there's a problem, YO i'll solve it... right?
I'm hoping these journals get better. They're so jagged and seem to go nowhere.
I know why. It's hard to talk about what happened in Iowa. What I went through. How much I changed because of it. What I learned. Where do you even begin..?
Do I talk about it in detail from start to finish like I feel I need? Or do I just chalk it up to how 'you' should believe in one God and skip the religion bullshit and live your life in this systematic warfare of ignorant brainwash?
I can't tell anyone what to do, I can't change anyone. I can help guide others change themselves and that's what I would love to do. But who are you? Why do I care what you've been through if only to help solve your problem where I can't solve my own? Why care about what I've been through then, if it doesn't help you in your own life? This has been why I stop myself from 'blogging' it seems not in my place.
I'll try.

He's cute, tall, such pretty blue eyes. What a nerd.. I wish we could play league together. He loves to smoke too! And aqua teen hunger force... my favorite as well! He listens to what I have to say... He seems shy over the phone and.. maybe too perverted but he's a guy. They seem to all be that way so I can't blame him too much. He sends me weed... what a badass. And plays drums? Goodness. He seems to have a good job, too!
I've been driving for hourssss... I know I should get out and stretch and drink more water but i'm too nervous and I don't like to drive at night. I've never been to any of these states before and I'm nervous going by myself. I should let my friend and his mom know i'm okay and that i'll be meeting him in a public place even though I know I'm going to be meeting him at his place he stays at with his 2 other roommates who are a couple.
All of these houses look so different.. the roads are different.. these gas stations.. seeing so much sky is like seeing the ocean for the first time! It's colder and sooo windy.. I feel like i've been transported to a whole new planet. I'm still so nervous. I'm running on so much caffeine and i've been driving for 13 hours straight. My mind is a blender.
Hey... I think I got the right street.. over here? Just pull in...? Okay..
Hi...

I smoked my first keif bowl... wow i'm stupid high right now...
******** on the first night? why not. yeah i've been wanting to..

Pizza.. keif... games... small talk... not feeling it uncomfortable sex but ok...

Meeting all of your friends
nothing for me to talk about
feeling judged
high all the time
feeling ignored when i would say something
shy
uncomfortable

drive back.. tell my mom... finish first year of college.. barely..

pack up all my belongings and i head back
adderall... joints...
"just for the summer... then i'll go back to college"
same stuff. different day.
he quit his job... why would he do that..? he can see me after work and i'm fine.. i kind of really need some alone time anyway.. i need to think.. be able to sleep..
we always hang out with his friends.. i just want to hang out with him..
we hang out but i'm always high and shy
I need to find a job myself but i'm too anxious about this place. it's hard for me to go outside because i'm always high and thinking everyone knows. i'm so paranoid about so much because i don't have anyone to talk to- i feel like an judged outsider. idk what i'm doing.. what i should do.. he seemed so different online but i know he's still the same guy he may just be feeling almost the same way as me...? he's taking care of me though.. he says it's fine if i don't work.. i wish that we would bond though.. i need something to make me feel comfortable.. i guess i'll smoke another bong rip why not

you're not going to pay for another year of college because i moved out...?

We need to move out because they're getting married...?

Your mom is so nice... so is her husband

This place is nice i guess.. i hate that you can hear every step i make and it's so squeaky though.. makes me want to lay in bed.
this whole time it's been impossible for me to poop almost because you can hear everything! and showering has been so awfully cold because we've been having to use the basement. everything has been so uncomfortable but i'm making it work because i love him. that's all that matters. we'll eventually make our own way. it's just us vs the world
us... his friends.. and his family...
why can't we just be ok with each other...?
I don't mind his family or his friends but i don't feel like... this is it
is that selfish?

ugh.. i can't stand to eat anything anymore.

it's so hard to sleep... what is he thinking? i feel like people judge me.. they don't understand me.. i feel like i rant too hard when i talk. they ignore me and jump to another conversation...

i like coming to their house. even if it's just to sell weed or whatever. it's a nice house and their cats are nice. there's not fur everywhere and on everything you own. there's not fur all over the towels after taking a nice shower. ugh i'm tired of fur. i'm the only one that cleans! i do everything... i understand i don't work but there's a few others in the house that don't really do anything either..
anyway, maybe i can get along with his gf? she's getting wine? if that's okay i'll join... i don't want to impose.
it's good wine, yeah. pretty sweet..
she seems so weird like i'm doing something wrong i don't understand.. this is so frustrating. i just sit quietly and listen and comment when i feel i actually have something to say. i don't do anything 'bad' i'm just trying to get a feel for everyone and what i'm feeling is so ******** negative that it's turning me negative. i understand i'm younger and have nothing going for me but that can ******** change! just give a ******** chance. get to know me. don't you guys like my bf? aren't you guys friends? so try and make a ******** effort! this is ******** cruel. i know it's not your problem but i see you all so often yall may as well just ******** try and get used to me. i know i'm young and flirty and naive but just give me a chance.
...
we're back up and drinking wine (i thought i'd give some inner rant context for when..) she spilled her wine on me.
ahah.. it's okay it was an accident. it's not like i care about these free pants. it won't stain i'll just wash them. really it's no problem haha..
she looked like she did that on purpose.. i don't get it... what a fake c**t?? what do you gain by doing that to me.. how can people be cruel like this..


Hey... I don't care that she spilt wine on my pants it really doesn't bother me but.. I think she kind of.. did it on purpose. i'm not trying to start any bullshit drama but her hand jerked awkwardly when she laughed and i can't help but think about it. i want to be friends with her, so i have no reason to think like this but it really bothers me how it happened. Yeah i guess i'm just overthinking it and going crazy haha...

we're at the same house again it'll be fine though i have no hard feelings
yay she wants to hug me it's fine
...
what did you ask me..? when the baby is due..?
excuse me but what the ******** i know i've gained weight and cut my hair you hippy yoga ******** face with your cute looking innocence fgjiordh;egiofahgeafhdgo;ifodg

i'm just going to keep it to myself. it makes me so bad because i haven't slept and i feel like a lot of s**t is me hallucinating but i know what is and isn't real and that s**t just upsets me. who the ******** you think you are? you may be cute and skinny but damn you a nightmare. i've gained and lost weight before and i have no problem with the fact i simply can't afford to eat healthy right now. i do have a problem with who you are tho! god. the people here suck asssss. back home if someone didn't like you they'd just keep their distance. if you don't like me ******** outta my face. i know i'm too nice for my own good- and i hope that's not the best you got because i'm not a violent person but maaan i'd love to kick your throat in right now. prison seems a lot nicer than what i'm dealing with anyway. what's a felony to a nolife? ha..

same thing different day.

my head hurts thinking about all the other s**t.
i was taking handfuls of over the counter sleep medicine. Unisom was one. They'd almost make me sleep and then the feeling would pass almost immediately. I'd jerk awake. My heartbeat was unsteady. I would try to count my breath, do yoga, exercise. I'd try to meditate on what was keeping me up. I would eventually just try to stop breathing. I'd try to eat a little better. I'd try different sleep positions. I would try everything.
All the while he would get frustrated with me. I couldn't function. I didn't want to do anything, I was exhausted and frustrated. I burned myself and then bit the skin off the burn. I bashed my head against the painted brick walls. he'd just pin me down and scream in my face and make me scared. I tried to hit him.
I had nowhere to go.
nothing to take my mind elsewhere.
I started to slowly lose it.
I didn't care what people thought about me anymore.
I wore my john lennon glasses everywhere. the sun hurt. my teeth felt they would fall out. it hurt to move. my body needed to reset but i simply couldn't.
I wish he'd just hold me. He never cuddled.
He wasn't into kissing.
That's fine...

Need to use my car? sure.. i'm not using it anyway...
you need my social security for food stamps? whatever...
yeah i did the dishes...

I wish my family would call me...
I called my granny and she said they didn't want to call to force me back
I guess that's.. them caring.
I know i did this to myself but can they forgive me? I didn't know what i was doing.. I wish they would have said I didn't need the antidepressants.. Now i'm dealing with panic and anxiety attacks and everything sucks. it hurts to breathe. i feel alone. I don't want to be here anymore. Or there..

This belt may work.. maybe i can cut off my breathing with it

He's shaking me and yelling in my face again and pinning me down but i just want to stare at the ceiling. the ceiling doesn't think. it's just blank

Blank







































There's a lot of stuff i left out. like when i got really high and thought people could read my mind based off of my body lanaguage and then i started to hallucinate all of my insecurities in subtitles on the tv we were watching and everything on the show i couldn't focus on and everything was talking about me and judging me and stuff. i tried to block it all out and then it turned to spanish subtitles. also most everyone there was an atheist. i was still growing up i thought all was possible. being extremely high all the time isn't all that great when you have some ******** up mental s**t going on. i learned a lot i guess. also, shrooms are just like being awake for 2 months straight and i can see how people have bad trips off of them but to me they make me happy. i had already lived through a natural bad trip haha.
I guess a cool thing that happened was i predicted the future a few times but that's about all...
anyway.
that's all i think i can do for today.




 
 
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