I can`t sleep. I woke up in a cold sweat. Today and tonight have just been weird. I miss Andrew a ton. I miss Meliah and Mariah a ton too. I really want to see them. I dunno what`s happening. It sucks though. My two best friends.. and I haven`t even seen them this summer that much!! *sigh* I dunno. I feel like a terrible person. I`ve always got something to do.. even if it`s sit on my a**.. I could go sit on my a** at their house! Ha.. I dunno. It`s crazy though. And I feel like s**t for it. I bet they probably are starting to hate me now.. v.v;; I guess Kayla`s the better friend now.. a while ago.. it used to be different.. but then Meliah got mad at me for something I said.. even after I appologized. She ignored me there for a while.. and I kind of knew it.. then Mariah.. she`s always great.. but she seems like she holds a lot more in than she lets people know about. Like.. I`ve never really seen her insanely upset.. or really mad unless its at all the little n words at school that are always stupid. I dunno. She`s never really opened up to me before.. I guess it takes her a while to gain trust for someone or something.. or maybe she`s one of those lucky people that doesn`t have any big problems of her own.. I dunno. I`d like to get to know her as well as I know Meliah. Blah.. anyways.. I`m tired of people lying to me about Andrew. If something`s happened.. he comes to me about it.. he`ll tell me if something`s going on.. I don`t need people making s**t up! It just like.. basically like.. kills me! I mean.. that`s a reason I`m up right now.. I fell asleep for about an hour.. something happened with my phone after I fell asleep and it hung up on Andrew.. I guess one of us lost signal.. but I dunno.. I had another terrible dream.. its like I can`t go to sleep anymore without having some insanely depressing and freaky dream now.. I dunno what it is.. and Andrew`s always in it.. it starts out great.. but then SHE enters the dream.. *sigh* I dunno how to stop it.. or maybe its not even me.. maybe I have no controll over it.. blah. I dunno. I just want it to go away. I miss being friends with Andrew`s sister Amanda.. I`m not sure if she ever really liked me that much anyways.. but I actually enjoyed hanging out with her. I don`t think she knows that though. Bah.. don`t really care.. because if she did.. she wouldn`t care either. Heather`s not speaking to me for a little while because of the other night. She said she doesn`t want to have anyone else in her car for a few days. I think its just because she doesn`t want people around so that she can be with Joseph more.. but I don`t see why she keeps saying that josh & Joseph are so much better than each other.. because they`re both just little.. pieces.. I mean.. ugh I dunno how to explain it.. don`t really care anyways.. I`m tired of people ******** lying to me. I`m tired of living a fake life. UGH!!! Its not really fake.. it just seems like.. weird..like I could just like snap out of it and wake up and everything will be all better again or something.. but seriously.. things are getting to the point where I just don`t care anymore.. but then when I tell myself that.. I think of myself letting go of everything and just losing touch with everything.. and how I`d be in that situation.. and I just can`t let myself be that person.. I don`t like that person.. I feel like I`m like.. being restrained.. like.. one friend is pulling one way.. Andrew`s pulling one way.. my insides are pulling one way.. my mom is pulling my church.. all the people that surround me.. everyone`s pulling in a different direction and I don`t know what to do anymore! It ******** sucks!! I want a way out! I keep saying that. But I really mean it. I just want to be.. somewhere.. with a certain few people. And I just want to be alone. I want things to be perfect.. But I know I can`t ******** make everyone happy. Make myself happy.. do everything that is expected of me RIGHT and perfectly.. have everything in my life organized.. and just.. be perfect!! I want to be someone that makes everyone happy when they`re around me.. but I don`t do that.. I piss people off.. I depress people.. maybe once or twice.. I`ll make someone laugh.. maybe I`ll make andrew smile.. but I want that all the time. and I know it won`t happen. I need something to happen. But I dunno what it is yet.. Maybe I DO need to go on that trip in July.. I feel bad turning it down.. I wanted to go on it for so long.. and then all the sudden I didn`t because I didn`t want to be away from home for so long and I `d miss Andrew and all my friends terribly. I`d miss my kitties.. I`d miss my bed, my room.. my xbox.. everything.. then I`d come back all sunburned.. and.. CHANGED! Like I did last year.. it was good. I know I`ll be missing out.. but hell.. *sigh* I dunno. i had a dream that I turned it down.. I just don`t remember what happened.. Blah.. I dunno.. this is crazy.. I just don`t want to go.. but then again I do.,. I`ve gotten over the whole.. OH IF I WENT ANDREW WOULD GET CLOSER TO FATTY AGAIN.. because hell.. if he wanted to let that happen.. he`d go right on ahead & do it. But if he really cared about me enough to WAIT for me and actually MISS ME instead of trying to get his mind off me by talking to her.. then he`d wait and miss me.. like I do with him when he goes to Alabama or somewhere. but that`s not it.. I just.. don`t wanna go. But.. UGHI dunno. I`m debating with myself. I know I would have a good time.. but I`d have a bad time too. I can`t be around people that I don`t live with for that long without running away by myself and crying or something.. because there.. I`m around someone every second of the day. Its like rehab there or something.. *sigh* I don`t want to think of it as that.. but it really is..Hell.. I dunno.. maybe I should go.. Bah! SCREW THIS!!! I`m going to try and go back to sleep now..
I love you Andrew!!
Katsuki Hyabusa · Sat Jul 01, 2006 @ 10:59am · 0 Comments |