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No, I did not go to a theme park. I had a few chances of course, but passed each one by. I do that with many things. Yester-noon, I had a rather disturbing conversation with a good friend of mine. It probably disturbed both of us equally so, rather unsettling content having taken place. However upsetting it was, this friend managed to be so thoroughly enlightening, as usual, that I was able to pull myself back up. I can't even remember half the things I said...they were all true, but the rules changed again. When the rules change, I always lose myself again...I don't understand myself, but I am really, really trying. Quite hard in fact.
It is like being on one big rollercoaster I suppose, now that I sit here at the keyboard and think about it. I always am blank on what to say, but these little bits of venting in words somehow help. Some days I feel incredibly worthless and would like nothing better then to be isolated. Some days, I would adore nothing more then the end of it all. And then some days I am so incredibly happy there is simply no explanation to my glee.
On one side, there is the logical, rational psychologist in me; constantly reading up on problems and discounting possibilities, as well as watching the mental health state of the other. On the other side, there is a 'self'-ish, confused, and blindly emotional child; the patient. That child is violent, vengeful, competitive, and whole-heartedly cruel. The psychologist's job is to help the child heal, to fix itself, and of course to reason out of the terrible situations that have caused much of the child's damage. Games are played, masks are worn; conclusions are reached and then broken because of the quick changes around them. The psychologist keeps trying, pulling the child through life, guarding when possible, and helping keep both of their sanity. The child drags its feet, refuses all help, and makes life as hard as possible.
External events sway the two; a dangerous place called 'home', three very dangerous people that are without internal psychologists and morals, and a lovely, unbreakable wall between these two partners and all other people. A wall that inhibits all understanding. A gap between the place that is, and where these two should be. The ride continues on with seemingly no end, and other people cannot see the futility nor understand.
The psychologist tries to get the child out into the world; the child acts up and makes life very difficult for them both. Both are equally stubborn and won't ever quit the little mock-battle between them until one caves in to the other. The psychologist recognizes conditioning when it sees it; recognizing symptoms, external factors playing into the conditions of the child, and seeing everything that has been done wrong and how it should have been done right. The perfectionist to the core, pointing all of these things out. The child hears and understands, and tries to tell others; they can't understand still, which would be the first step towards real help. The child wants help sometimes, and refuses it; the psychologist's help is not the kind needed.
The problem is, the two are the same person, usually combined to be one very, confusing, but happy girl. This girl is behind everyone else in every way; trying to catch up to the rest of the world because so much was missed. Some things can't be regained. Others were never there and cannot be achieved through any other means then originally having them.
All of this matter is confusing, to the two separate pieces, and even the whole. One major reason why no one can help, or has been able to help in ways that they try. The girl tries to be happy, and tries to keep control of herself; she tries to never let others down and to accomplish everything set before her. Her limits are undiscovered, and her fears are nearly insurmountable. What if someone finds out? What if this changes? What if I lose? What will happen? Why does no one understand? She knows she has explained several times, to many people; people she loves in her own way, but people that she cannot relate to. She is often compared to the norm, but that is not something she can achieve; maybe a few years ago when the damage was not so bad, but her awareness of the problem had been so minuscule there would have been no help. Once more, it's the battle against the irrational and the logical; what to do?
The girl thinks often of how nice it would be to sleep, to get some rest, to be able to live like everyone else or not at all. Confined where she is though, things cannot change yet.
Perspectives can change though. And that's how the girl thinks she can win. It's irrational to wait, to stay, to be quiet; it is however prudent when the goal is put into perspective. Sometime the girl loses the positive things she always keeps in mind; friends love her, even if she cannot understand why or how. Some things people feel and she just cannot; the point is to try, which she does. But she is told she is loved; and that means insanely more then people can comprehend. At the same time, it means little. It fades upon not being reminded; joy leaves at the prospect of knowing that no matter what she does with her beloved friends, she will still return. Always to return to the same place until time is up. Should she just stay isolated and bow down to the powerful forces that surround her? Or stand up and run to forces far more benevolent and kind?
It is one big rollercoaster ride, of emotions, of situations, and of rules. Everything runs along at such a quick pace; this girl with a battle at all fronts was never very quick when it came to these things.
Torn between choices that can't be made yet, the general idea is to be patient; to learn from her friends and to continue to grow, even if the light is stifled out most of the time. She may sometimes take a far dip down, but she does always recover herself and keep trying. Sometimes giving up and submitting look so tempting, but people know her better then that; she has extreme stubbornness from both sides of her. There is no such thing as submitting. There is no such thing as defeat. People don't understand that things take time, or understand how fast the girl changes on the inside, but she will eventually show them. And she will stay above the waters, continue trying, and keep her happiness close. This girl, with two conflicting halves, and a hurricane around her, thanks her friends often; even if they can't hear, or don't understand, or sometimes even clash with this girl, she loves them and could not possibly be who she was without them. And they needed to hear her thanks and love; it rings all of the time, even if her voice is sometimes too quiet to hear it.
 DarkRybrin · Tue Jul 11, 2006 @ 08:55pm · 7 Comments |
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