I don't know what to do right now. You can believe and believe all you want, cry your tears of blood and sweat and have it thrown back at you like nothing. Let your heart be crushed and torn and mutilated without so much as a blink. How can such emptyness come out of apparent divinity? How can my soul hold back the terror I feel inside as I sit here......I am so afraid, so afraid of all the things that have unfolded.....broken in my ignorance. Was I stupid for believing? My love burns...it burns.....but the fire inside aches with no comparison....ignore the pain...I want to become numb and empty, empty of all hope......let me drop all the feathers on my stupid little wings of hope.....
but I want to fly, I want to believe, I want to hold onto truth and beauty that I held just a minute ago. I distrusted the nature of the conditions that I held at bay....held so far from me....but it is inevitable.......it was inevitable...I felt it creeping and crawling in my nightmares....felt it crawl down my spine whenever I was alone.....did I create the monstrosity that hisses before me? Did I encourage it? I hoped that it would be satisfied by the peace it had between.....but I dreamed in vain......I dreamed in vain.....only to see the reality.....is everything I feared....everything...I gave up everything......
I was warned....I gave everything out of love, out of understanding, respect...admiration...devotion....I faught to build trust and openess but it was never there...never there!
Why am I always the one hurting.....why AM I ALWAYS......hurting so much....
god life isn't fair.....life isn't fair to those who try to make it fair.....I saved you from pain, from fear, from everything....and it came right back into my face....
hypocrite.......why did I try to spare you all of that.....when you had no problem shoving it down my throat.....break everything inside of me....everything......I gave you my soul, my body, my mind to burn and break and you've done it all. I love you, I love you more than anything and yet I am full of so much dispair....I could see it coming.....but what will I do......what the heck am I going to do......
we will see what happens.....I can hold onto the dream...it still exists....maybe things just won't go the way you made it seem.....maybe I can't protect you the way I have been. God, what do I do....I am so calm......yet so untamed inside.....
let time heal all wounds, let faith guide me.....let faith.....
faith.....
to believe in things unseen and unknown......
is it wrong to believe.....in this......
I think things are getting better...still hurts though..I will hold close wht I have nd hope he will keep trying to be true to his word.
TheTyro · Tue Aug 15, 2006 @ 07:34pm · 0 Comments |