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Sometimes I feel... I'm not quite sure how I feel. Not unloved, that's for sure... because I know I am loved, and I'm happy to be loved. But just sometimes... I feel as though there's only my voice in the wind, there's only me standing there in a school corridor, looking at people passing by who don't even know me, who walk by, a breeze, all that. Like people around me, right now, in the school computer lab, talking and laughing, and I'm just there, silent. It's not that I want really to be drawn into a clique, all giggly chat and stuff... but, really, I don't know if I want to continue being seen as strange. Weird. Okay, I'm not THAT strange, but I certainly don't like things that other people in my class like... and vice-versa.
...It's funny, seems like I've more friends on Gaia than I do in my real life. And also funny how I can talk so easily with them, but in real life I feel so shy and don't like to speak up around people that I don't know. I know myself. I'm the sort of person who prefers comfortable silence to loud talking. If Chris were here, I'd be content to just snuggle with him, no words needed, just... be there for me, and I'll be right here next to you. But I can't have that, not at the moment anyway.
*laughs slightly* I've cried about that, once or twice, and it amazes me even, how something so intangible - online text! O.O - could make me feel that way. But I can't stop thinking, what he would feel like, the warmth and flesh actually THERE... and I know I could wait. Often I daydream during math class... think about, what I would do when I see him for the first time... if and ever. I'd likely run to him and cling... and thereafter be highly reluctant to let go.
But it's just me, in the cold computer room... And it's really cold, too, I can see the veins just under my skin. I miss you, Chris... I wish you were here... but there's nothing I can do about it, not now, anyway... In fact, you could probably do more than I could... subject to your will, of course... I'll try to be happy, I guess... I hope next year, in my new school, there will be friends... (hopefully friends who don't really go all nuts over Korean drama serials)
Although, of course, they could never be you. Noone could be.
And maybe I'd rather have the silent corridor, and wait for you, than have the friends and never see your face.
AngelRaz · Thu Oct 12, 2006 @ 07:29am · 1 Comments |
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