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Hell Has Indeed Frozen Over...Along With My Emotions |
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Well look at this. I actually pulled out a journal entry with something written in it. I haven't done that in nearly 2 months now. I wanted to get a few things off my chest. I can never talk to anyone about these things anyway. I'm open-minded, but for some reason I always close up whenever something like this comes up. On top of that, I owed everyone an entry since I promised I'd write one on Saturday, and it's now...*checks*...Wednesday. I'm sure on the ball.
Alrighty, let's start off with Anime Vegas. I'd say lots of things were going smoothly. But as usual, I got that feeling whenever I'm around them at AV. I really don't like it, and I don't know why this makes me angry. I end up despising everyone except for like Kyle. I decided maybe I should have just stayed home, especially when the highlight of the event was getting Pocky and some Glowsticks. It's weird, cause I don't believe anyone probably even thought I was depressed the whole time until the end of AV.
Then, when we were watching Bleach, everything went downhill, because of Ep. 3. For anyone who wasn't paying attention or just didn't see it, Hime was able to see her brother and say the things she wanted to before he died, and after he gave her that hairpin as a gift. I nearly broke down in tears because of that scene, and that part in the manga was the main reason I started reading Bleach. Almost the same thing happened to me.
The day my mother died, I was leaving to go to a concert with my friends. This was during the period when my mother was so sick she stayed in bed all day unless she had to get out. I was about to leave her room to go get ready, and she stopped me, and called me over.
She sat up, and told me she had something to give to me. She made me dig through one of her drawers, and find this box. When I found it she asked me to open it. Inside were two Gold Bracelets. She told me to give one to John later, but one of them was mine now. She said it would look nice, and that I should wear it to the concert. I thanked her, and she went back down to sleep, and said to wake her up when I was leaving.
I never got that chance. The coroner said she must have died in her sleep when I was taking a shower. A month or two ago, my dad found the bracelets she had given to me, back when Kelly was moving in. I haven't taken mine off since.
I know Bleach isn't a real story, and the characters are fake, but I had never felt so connected to anything like that before in my life. It took everything I had not to run out of the auditorium and just lose it. Which is kind of what I did after the show was over, but I did it behind the stage when everyone had went outside.
When I am in this mood, I don't like any physical contact whatsoever, which is why I usually push away if I'm hugged. Sometimes I think I hate contact like that whatsoever. Maybe it's because I can't stand that my friends have found special someone's just for them, or that they don't treat each other better, and I'm insanely jealous. I doubt there is a special someone just for me, never mind if I deserve one. I like to wonder why I was put on this planet.
To be a burden?
To cause harm and misfortune?
To hate and be hated?
I honestly see no reason why I need to exist. I don't think I will or plan to amount to anything. I'm almost glad I've got a new sibling on the way. She can deal with being "Daddy's little girl", and she can play soccer, and get good grades, and do everything I couldn't, and make my dad proud, cause I guarantee that's not coming from me. I hope little Sophia Nanette Martinez is everything I wasn't, and then some, because I'm tired of it. I tried to do everything for him, for some acknowledgement, and then it hits you. He doesn't care. So I hope he lives through his daughter and forgets all about me, because I plan to forget all about him.
I wanted to beat the crap out of my father and call him a coward the other day. He hasn't contacted my grandmother from my Mother's side in forever, and I don't think he plans on telling her. Then, when I asked him about it, he tried to throw some bullshit past me saying, "Oh, I planned on sednding her a copy of the DVD of our wedding, and writing it to her."
That is cowardly. He doesn't have the balls to call her on the phone and tell her? Writing something like that means you don't want to hear the response of the person you sent it to. I think she's had a reason to know since Day 1. They only got married only a month ago, and now he wants to write a ******** letter.
I sound like a hypocrite, I know, because I'm writing this instead of saying it to everyone. But I know I'm scared too. There's lots of things I wish I could tell my friends, but I'm too scared of the outcome, because I know things would never be the same if they found out. That's why every day I walk around and pretend nothing's wrong, when in this harsh reality, everything's wrong.
Edible Substance · Wed Jan 19, 2005 @ 05:59pm · 4 Comments |
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