Life has been more then interesting lately, right? People move on with their lives or get moored, and the harried rush that goes on around us has never-ending tones to it's shade.
My life has been filled with a great frequency of upheaval, which isn't over all bad! I have lost many things, like friendships and will, but I have gained things like insight and further understanding...if not more security. The true power of living is actually understanding what is around you...it's never complete, but finding pieces of it all is deeply satisfying.
Still, from two weekends of running around and getting things sorted out, I managed to come into error with my body. It's decided it's time to get sick again, so my voice has fled from me and my condition for defending myself is really low. Although, as luck apparently wasn't completely angry with me today, my mother got sick too and seems to be having a worse time of it. So as far as things go, I am pretty safe, even if weaker. The safe feeling is really all I could ever ask for, although it breeds complacency; such a dangerous thing, so I will be watching myself.
As in watching myself as well...I really was being indulgant of my oddities, particularly when it came to friends. So...certain places I will catch myself up in, but I really don't want to frequent anymore on Gaia. Thanks to two dear people, it's not permanent, but my reasons for staying are painfully few. I'm a master at running from trouble, unfortunately, and that means that running from the difficulty that has arrisen will not be hard.
On another note, besides for all the homework I have to catch up with, and the things that I have to do to keep my school relations unawares, the changes within myself I've been editing aren't exactly going as planned. I was able to salvage the happy personality that I tend to keep for the most part, but something that I definitely did not need came back too. I may be fiersly mistrustful at times, and I see danger and problems where there are none still...which everyone fondly calls paranoia, but the new level that has been added to these two shortcomings is going to get me in serious trouble when I get better.
Apparently my fear came back. I haven't felt afraid for so long...within memory, actually. So, very randomly, no one even around, I got home late at night and was taking care of my dogs. I quite suddenly heard this most unearthly scream and high pitched whine, at least to my perception. I bolted so fast and my heart sped up and I recognized panic...This may sound a little odd, and it definitely was for me; I'm not sure what to make of the sudden fear. It didn't subside for the rest of the night, and while I suspect one of the main stimulus at work, the main matter of the fact is I experienced a feeling I have been void of for a long time. With my personality remodeling, I suppose in my incredible ignorance (not to forget stupidity), I forgot what had been there and I had worked hard to wrestle down and suppress. It was not a pleasant surprise at all, I also having been uncharacteristically surprised lately too...Basically, I suppose I am going to be in flux for a while until I can rearrange some of the things inside me. Onee-san and ka-san's work on me has been so helpful; they truely have helped and I am grateful.
They have helped a lot to work on my serious structural flaws, asking the right questions and prodding me with the right thoughts...even helping me see them better, for patterns. I can't entirely predict which way this next change is going now, as some uncalculated emotions entered into this, but it will be for the better...or at least socially acceptable. As long as I keep my mind most very active, it shouldn't stray back towards the darker tendencies I was grasping at, so most people I come in contact with will be relatively safe. Unfortunately this was too late to avoid hurting several people, of whom I hope heal in their lives and hearts...It was the people I lost that seriously changed how I looked at things, and the fact I had to change. Good, amazing people I wish, for their sakes, had never met a walking time bomb like me; thankfully, I have been assured by them they will no longer trust or come too close, so they should not be hurt again. It was a great relief, knowing at least a few I still find dear, will be safe from the bad things that are inside of me. Whether it's emptiness, or some kind of rage, or something indescribably destructive...I'm going to find it and bury it even farther this time, in a cage of all the good things I can find. Not the best technique, admittedly, but the most acceptable thing I can do at this time.
I hope people who have suffered or have been cut, will heal and eventually forgive.
View User's Journal
|
|||||||||||||||
Roleplay is life. <3
Thank you to my Tulip Anon!
Questing: 3 RTs. This is going to be a very long-term goal.
Sugar Mason!
Bm.Bhdm-bm. Bm.Bhdm-bm. .Bm.Bhdm-bm. . Bm.bhdm-bm. . .Bm.bhdm-bm. . . Bm.bhdm-bm. . . .Bm.bhdm-bm. . . . Bm.bhdm-Bm. . . . .Bm.bhdm--