Read only if you want to know my life and how pathetic I am.
I don't want jerkwads reading this and bombarding me with righteousness and whatnot. I made this so I could help myself, not entertain others. If you're one of those jerkwads, get the Hell off of this page.
I’ve warned you.
I’m writing this mainly because I want to rant and chastise myself. I can’t do that with other people because honestly, the skeletons in my closet are far worse than what is normal to have as a seventeen year old, middle-class girl here where I live. If my family found out what I was doing, they’d probably disown me. I love my girl bestfriend too much to put my burdens on her. Hell, I’m the one who’s supposed to be the supporter between the two of us. She’s had far more and far worse than I have. My gay bestfriend already knows the bullshit that is my life currently so he’s the only one who knows what the ******** I’m doing right now to myself. And… my guy bestfriend is only my guy bestfriend solely because we’re friends with benefits. The worst part is, our relationship is an affair. Yes, I’m a seventeen year old in an affair with a college graduate who has a girlfriend. Yay for me.
I’m surprised you’re still reading this. Ooohhh, I get it. You like scandals, don’t you? Then again, you might be Glenn and feeling sorry for me and aghast at the same time. Yeah, I know what’s wrong with me. What’s wrong with me is that I’m ruining my life. I’m sorry that what we worked hard for for a year and more is going down the drain because I’m going selfish and getting self-pity for myself.
Why am I ruining my life, you ask? Well, aside from having an affair, I also have a boyfriend myself… If he could ever be called a boyfriend at all. He never leaves me a message if he goes somewhere and we rarely see each other and it’s usually me getting into trouble for going to see him. Oh, and did I mention that he’s sex-driven? Whenever we see each other, I try to get him to talk to me and talk about his life or whatever, but it seems he’s more interested in my boobs than in my brains.
Then again, my guy bestfriend’s like that, too. He’s a bit better than my boyfriend because he actually TALKS to me. But still, he’s an a*****e for cheating on his girlfriend. And still, I’m even more of an a*****e for letting him cheat on his girlfriend. Yay for me again, ladies and gentlemen.
Why, you ask, am I doing this? Well, I think it has something to do with being lovesick. I’m addicted to the drug called love. Since my first boyfriend dumped me, I’ve been like crap. I can’t keep up with posting requirements in the guild I really liked and was supposed to take very seriously, and furthermore, I was a lagger in the roleplay that I am still in. I guess the damage was far worse than I realized. Now that I look at it from a bigger picture, I realize just how broken I am and how far I am from recovering. I can’t cry until I force myself to. I’m more aggressive in terms of personality nowadays. I could care less if men’s fingers were in where-the-don’t-shine. And I’m turning psychotic.
How? When this guy I like [this is only very recently] happened to look at me when I looked at him but turned away, I felt angry, and I don’t know why. Usually I’d just walk by and be thankful that he even looked at me, but now, in a split second a thought said, “Why did he only look at me?” For me, that was sinister. I never thought like that. But now, I suddenly do… And I had something dark behind my mind. I was thinking of wanting to hurt that guy. Something’s DEFINITELY gone wrong with me.
This is how depressed I am. I didn’t realize it before. I’m at a dead end and Life’s ******** me from behind and I’m not doing anything about it! I was never raised this way… Am I so desperate for love that I take any hit I can get? Why can’t I let go of my first love and be on my goddamn way?! I know I’m looking for love in all the wrong places and accepting love in all the wrong ways, but--- So this is how it’s like to have drugs. You know it’s destroying you but you take it all in anyway.
I can’t even call myself a Christian anymore. A good Christian wouldn’t keep doing things like I do. I know no matter what I hear from whomever I go to, only I can make myself turn around and start living like I used to. I’m looking for strength, but I can’t even make myself ask for it from my God.
I guess that’s about it. I don’t know what else to say.
I’ve warned you.
animagenic Community Member 
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