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A Letter to Akirimai Kazumi |
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Dear Mimi-chan,
It kills me to write this letter. I can't write it to you for reals because I'm too scared. I..hope that somehow this gets to you, maybe one day when I'm not scared for you to read it, in my own handwriting. It'll be a real letter, written in black ink on stationery, placed in a green envelope, because I know it's your favorite color, and a strawberry sticker sealing it.
How long do I have to wait...no, how long can I bear this pain you've caused me? I don't think I'll ever get over it...or you for that matter. I don't believe in love like I did before, now that my first love of my life has completely left me. I don't expect her to return anytime soon, but, I just wanted to say, I can't move on wondering if you still the way I still feel about you. I never meant to hang on for so long, but, my heart, it won't stop. So, I have a few things to say, to stop the tears only for a moment.
I can't...I can't change what I am, what I've changed into, what you don't think is right. All things change, and if I've changed, then I'm sorry, but you've changed too, if you've noticed. This time, I can't change back, but if anything, I'll change into something that will hopefully help me remove myself from this unending sorrow. I can't forgive myself for pushing you away. It was never my intent to ever push you away, no matter what I did. I always thought that you'd be there, and now that you're not, it scares me.
I no longer talk about the things that serialBARE and I do together, only the things that seem civil and silly to talk about. Like playing violent Warfare games. Sometimes, I wish you were still here, there are things I wish I could tell you, things that I haven't told anyone else, because there is no one to tell. With you, you took my confidence, my ability to put my trust in someone else, and the part of me that was formed by you.
Cereal...no one even told me that was his nickname. Once I started drifting away, and I felt that, I was suddenly shut out of almost everything. You can't expect me to automatically know. Am I not allowed to hesitate? Taking a picture with him, too. I -was- in his College and Career class, for gods sake. And we SAT NEXT TO EACH OTHER. Not by my choice, because I got to the classroom before he did. Am I not allowed to be kinda friendly to the person that I sit next to, and occasionally talk to, and help? But that's done now. I won't talk to him anymore because we don't have class together. We don't even acknowledge each other outside of class.
Fine. I'll admit it. I used to have feelings for Kelson, early on in the relationship I'm in now. I don't see what you see, because, when I look at Kelson, I see a brother, I see a buddy, I see a mafioso who plays ukulele and trumpet, who likes jazz and occasionally provides me some good advice. I see the closest thing I have to a confidant at this point in life, but then again, I don't even tell him half the stuff that's going through my head. I can't tell him what's going on up there, because I'm afraid he'll turn me down, like you did. It's okay, though, it teaches me how to hold it all in under pressure, though, I'm gonna need an outlet every now and then.
Perhaps, sparring this break will help.
So that is all I have to say. I don't want to go back to being friends, that's too easy. If it was that easy, then I wouldn't have done it anyway. I want there to be a time in our lives where we can come back together, on nothing but a blank slate. I wish that could happen. If it does, will you tell me? Because, until then, I'll keep busy, keep my mind away from you, keep the thoughts at bay. If I don't, then I'll never be able to live with myself. I hope you understand that.
With as much love, and maybe more love than ever,
Tatsumi Kohana
 iTatsumi · Sun Dec 20, 2009 @ 05:10am · 1 Comments |
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