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guardian_drake's Journal
not as juicy as it should be considering all the $#!^ im faced with, but im tryin...
Ramblings of an old man.
A phoenix must fall in order to fly again.

I'm not going to hide it. I got placed on academic probation. I messed up last semester but I'm not proud of it. I just wanted to put it up just so I could tell people when I finally fly again.

My parents aren't all too happy. My father nearly drove up here and brought me back... my mother was in tears. Guess I'm not that perfect son they wanted me to be. ... and I kind of feel guilty about that.

But here I am. The real me. I may not be the genius and I may not be "all that", but I know who I am. I know my strengths as well as my weaknesses... and I guess because I'm self aware I'll be able to get through this. It's just a rocky road ahead of me...

The people I once held in such high regard now have left for their own destinies; it seems like an idle fantasy to think that our paths will cross again. It's as though in taking care of myself, the bond that clung so tightly to those I cared for is now crumbling... and now all i can do is sit and watch.... it's rather depressing, let me tell you that much. What I wouldn't give to reach out and fly together with those I love... but we've all got what we need to do. we'll fly again together. if not now then when we all fly towards the sun.


Just some stuff to say...

I guess every so often I'll edit and add more memorable phrases I come across. If it so happens to something someone else said I'll mark it with an asterisk and give them credit. This is me being creative so...



"Look to the stars, close your eyes and open your heart; i'm standing right beside you, holding your hand."

"truth is but a single kiss away...life is but a single love in a moment of truth"

There aren't that many people i can relate to. Too many people have gone off the shallow end whilst i wade here in the deep.

When you wish to live a life of fairytales, I wouldn't mind being your Prince.


Hanzatsu no kaitou~ Houtei
There comes a time when men fall.
Pauper or rich b*****d, Fate pities us all.
Love is Fate's game in which we too play.
It gives man a reason to wake up each day.
It blesses him and curses him with the same breath,
its no wonder many curse it back with each passing moment till the day of their death.

There was a time where I believed in us.
The magic of it all, even the biggest sin with you was just.
Imagine me dispelling my lust...
... but it was fair.
You and me... we were a pair.
Come what may, I thought at the end there we'd be.
Now it's plain to see what was is not it...
silly me.

You said you'd live your life and I wouldn't be a part.
I guess it's fine but I think you'll soon have a change of heart.
I continue to exist whether people acknowledge it or not
But no matter how much I change it's my memories I have not yet forgot.

Now you say that you've found someone new
I guess I should say I'm happy for you.
Cause you see I found someone too.

This girl that I've found, it's funny how much she reminds me of what was.
But I thank God that time goes on... it does.
She's not you nor is she like any before
It's as if like I don't care if I'm not sure.

I may be afraid of meaning because of what hurt me
but here, now I've got a new beginning, a new path that I see.
So with a complication, another answer.
Another answer, another sweet memory.
another memory, another reason to continue to live.





~Drake~


Envy
Damn, it's been a weird weekend.

My body's been feeling a bit different, as if it's not my own. I had a mixer of Envy over the weekend because a friend of mine has bartender skills like that. It was odd that I'd prefer that over Glutteny and Lust. Never knew Envy tasted so light... and minty. Meh, so much for sake being my first. The effects of it on my body surprised me, I thought I'd be more aggressive; turns out I get more hyper... energetic really.

It's odd... I feel like I'm changing but... I don't know how to define how, really. My body still reacts to energy well enough but it's been slowly varying from the original. I left my home a while back and I don't miss it as much as I thought I would. There is just one thing though. It's a promise I want to make to a friend of mine.

Anthony, if you're reading this, I want you to know something. I will get stronger if only to not succumb to any misfortune so easily. My body along with my mind, I will once again become someone worthy of your respect; I know I must've lost it somewhere along the past few weeks.


Mad Rhetoric
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and it is ten. Sway to and fro...

My name is Drake to those that only know me here. To others, my signifier thusly varies. But through it all I am who I am because I am not you. I am not computer nor am I book, yet somehow to others I am as easily readable.

We all live our lives to find our existence but for what reason? Is the human race that clueless? Is each individual that unimportant that it must have more meaning than another? Sadly it is true but only superficially so. Many find contentment through just living life still others try their hardest to justify just why they exist...

....And here I am asking why must I do so. I wonder what I gain from such an answer. Is there something promised to me that I must find out? Do I value myself so little that I have to actually try to find that meaning? What am I truly and why is it that I feel so... alienated whereever I go? Why is it that I can't get close enough to anyone and why am I so envious of others who are able to?

I guess it's because of training. No, I wasn't trained ... well not specifically anyways. I guess I was just so afraid to root myself anywhere... it wasn't that I wasn't allowed to, I just didn't allow myself to. And now I wonder if I should. Last night opened my mind a bit more, something I didn't think possible, and I was able to see myself from another perspective that I've never explored. Something completely beyond just the first and third person role...

My connection to humanity maybe negative but I've always tried to find a positive bond... My meaning thus took a negative turn, easily understood seeing as humans are known for their compensating and adaptating attitude.

Now I guess I'm faced with another change. It seems so easy to most but ... it's so hard for me to accept it. At least as I am now.

My need to continue to become stronger only grows... and I just wonder why.

When you say my name within your mind what image what other signifiers come to mind?

Whatever happens the signified remains constant though life around us continues to change. Whatever signifiers you attach to me, boyfriend, ally, friend, best friend or enemy, perhaps even memory, I remain the fiery personality you all once knew. And though I may doubt my own existence I know that somewhere within someone's mind I continue to live as unadulterated as ever...


Time continues.
I'm leaving for college in less than two days now. I'm beginning to pack my things and i find it hard to do so... So many memories have been acquired over the years; tis a shame I only get to bring along a few...

But alas there is something deeper dwelling within me... A void of sorts in which I find myself in only since the last few days. Nothing seems right and no emotions seem ordered well enough. There's nothing left for me to do here but to leave.

Last night I told you that I loved you, nothing different except maybe it meant more this time.
I felt my insides churning as if I felt a purpose I thought I'd never had to have.
My emotions came running through as a waterfall off a cliff... equally as unpredictable and uncontrollable.
I was dying inside as I watched my words reached your mind... your heart.
I wanted to take them back but no one can stop the tide.
The truth came rushing over my waves as what needed to be done superceeded what was wanted.

My heart cracked its last crack for a love that was not made to last.
Broken in pieces laughter tried to cover up my sorrow.
Sadness wouldn't win over my emotions, I hoped...
I loved you then and left with the final kiss, not daring for anymore
No tear graced my cheek as I left.

When only the moon was watching I shed a tear for the love I had
As the wind caressed my face I shed a tear for the memories I'd never be able to erase.
My hand gripped onto the handle as I shed a tear for all the things that needed to be done...
And when I had thought I had shed enough sorrow cascaded, overflowing, overwhelming, sincere.
Nothing else seemed to matter in my own little world.
I was finally at home again, alone within my mind.


Something within me has become a void where nothing seems to fit just right. It's always been that way I suppose. I wish I could redo things over again as my mind replays what had happened but then again I know that it's for the best... but does it have to hurt so much? This is the best way, I need to continue to mature... but somehow I feel as though I'm fooling myself again.
For some reason nothing feels right. I have to keep my head up high and progress...

Bullshit methinks... Love is love is love... no one ever gets over it, they just hide it. I guess that's all I have to do. Fool myself this time again and hide such memories. It'll work... I guess.

I'm sorry if I've offended you by posting what's happened but I felt like this one needed something... I leave it as that.


Addiction.
Lol, Im having too much fun with the profile editor. *smacks own hand* bad Drake, bad!

((Just love that Grunneh love! Note to self: Never feed the Grunnies! domokun heart ))


OMG, Liek Smex!
Hopefully i didnt scare anyone away with my N00b speak... anyways, I just came back from AX! It wasnt like sex, but it was damn close! Four straight(or not so straight wink ) days of Anime-related madhousing.

It all started Saturday morning(approx. 7:30am, 7-1-06). Basic gist of events:

Waited in line, watched opening ceremony(delayed a bit but nice), went freebee grabbing and mad shopping(finally got a shinai! XD), lost AX badge(T.T) so had to get it the next day for $5, then went to the Advent Children cosplay gathering(was Reno of course.) I went to the "legal" Rave later on that night(very fun) and got to snuggle up withy my girlfriend afterwards. ( ninja )

Second day was more shopping. I dressed up as my avi second night, in time for the Gaia panel. Although it was a bit irritating at first it got better. I got a few words in to our wonderful Admin in the question and answer portion and finally spent the night in own hotel room... with six other friends.. including my woman. lol.

The last day for our group was the third unfortunately, but it wasnt the least bit wasted. My girlfriend and I went to Disneyland for a bit and then headed back to my room... to erm... rest. My other roomates came in and we all headed for the exhibition hall to meet with our whole group. Ate dinner (breakfast really) at Ihop then rested before going to the last AX rave for the year. A friend and I actually made a detour before it and crashed a party at the Hilton. Went back to the rave but met with the group elsewhere and headed back to the room. We packed to leave in the morning but did our best to stay up and did so till 3am.


It was a truly different experience to be at AX. For the first time I was left to fend for my own, create my own day and not be confined to just the world of a teenage student. I felt the ability to be more mature with my actions those four days. I even got the chance to become closer to those i havent been able to as much as i should have been. Throughout all the drama, I was able to take a peek at what the world has to offer to me. Sleeping with my friends i saw a part of what made them tick, it helped me to take care of them better... actually care for them like family.
...Sleeping with my girlfriend... not just sexually, but just being able to watch her as she slept, guard her against any nightmares... it made me feel... that much more in love with her. Something i have to tell her

Not to mention the meetings with familiar yet unexpected faces. That was a nice touch to the whole trip really. Reliving some of the past while holding the hands of the future...

RPC Update [[edit]]
The previous entry was just to explain his disappearance for a while.

Name: Drake
Age:26
Height: 5'7.5"
Weight: 178
Weapons:Stylus (Dimensional Sword)
Latruria (Spear)
Amore and Morte (Dual Beretta 92F/FS)

Drake recently undertook a journey in order to find out why his past haunted him. It was only set for a week but end up taking years. He looked through bars in order to find someone who knew how to cure his plight, instead it was someone who sought him out. A hooded man offered him a chance to be cured in exchange for his help.

Drake accepted not knowing that as he fought, time wouldnt pass at all, only he would age. With each passing moment he thought about his fiancee, pushing through each battle knowing that he would see her again.

With each defeated Disturbance he was awarded another ability. As he got stronger so too did his familiar, Neno though he wouldnt feel the affects till his master had come home. At the end of it all, Drake was allowed to return home, but he decided to stage a surprise for his beloved...

New abilities sad level up!)
Rasangan- All air around him disappears creating a inpenetrable vacuum. All air becomes super-focused in front of him allowing only a thin air supply. The air that is focused compresses until it is released as a spiral sphere of power.

Flight- Drake no longer depends on wings to fly.

Transformation(growth)- Neno has been upgraded as well. All of his stats have been increased and bonding with Drake is further upgraded.

Forte's seed- Drake carries a pouch of seeds in his pocket of a plant he had encountered on his journey. By consuming it, he is allowed a significant increase in power. The only downside: he must wait a full day after the effects wear off before he can use it. The duration of the seed's full power lasts only an hour.

Along with Kenpo and mastery of hiten-mitsurugi ryu, he has had some training in ninjutsu.

His Stylus also carries the legendary Ync, capable of creating anything the author desires, so long as it doesnt destroy another's. It acts as summoning or pure magic depending on the situation.


guardian_drake
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guardian_drake
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