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do you ever scroll on facebook or insta, and see something and your first thought is "did they die?!"

i think i have a unique trauma.

i was just scrolling and caught a glimpse of a date at the top of a person's pic. and my brain goes "wait, did she die?!"

i often think this. i think i've had too many deaths in recent years that it's just the default expectation.
(actually, for almost a year after my mom died, i felt like every day was just waiting for more really awful news. waiting for the other shoe to drop. though i think 2020 and covid and all that gloomy stuff didn't help that feeling. perhaps others felt similarly because of those things.)

i just lived in fear and expectation of bad news.

I'm doing a lot better these days. I don't have looming dread or phone/text anxiety.
(oh gosh, from about 2018 onward, phone anxiety was real in my life. so glad that stopped.)

I don't feel like crying every day anymore. Maybe once a week ish. Or once every other week.
it will probably always be random stuff. Like, thinking about driving and how I used to drive my mom around and missing that.
Or walking home today and seeing a flower similar to one she loved that was about the bloom. Shoot, now I'm crying.

I went and scrolled facebook to distract myself.
I was thinking about how only about 2 weeks ago, one Sunday afternoon I suddenly saw a friend's post - a picture of one of those papers you get at a funeral. It was her mother's funeral.
I'm still kind of shocked. Her mom was only 62, and it was sudden. Unexpected.
I'm friends with her mom on facebook - because my mom befriended her mom. And when my mom passed, her mom reached out to me and was so kind.
I had seen some of her last posts on facebook, not knowing they were her last.
I can't believe Connie is gone.

And just now, I scrolled and saw a picture from one of my fave visual kei bands The GaZette. Reita died. April 15th. UGH.

I think I'll quit scrolling.

Honestly,April had a lot of people I know's family dying. My friend Phoebe's grandpa, my friend the deaconness's father, there were others but I forgot.

This is sounding depressing. Sorry.

I actually had a good day. I taught 6 classes. One of the 6th graders' birthdays is this weekend so he brought in castella cake and they brought us cake. And my co gave me 2 moncher (chocopie but softer, more expensive) cookies. The kids had a 'safety day' campaign thing early this morning so they were out front with signs and little games - giving away prizes. they included me. i did not answer the o/x quiz correctly. mostly because i didn't understand the question. all in korean of course. ah but Jimin was sweet and finished reading the question for me. LOL.
i got some lesson planning finished, and checked my game files, etc.

when i got off work, i came straight home and got ready to go back out.
i met up with Terry and we went to this fancy cafe called TreeBring. it's a big building that looks kind of like a church, but inside it has a lot of plants. and it has a pond with some big gold fish and some small sharks.

Terry is a very active and lively person. we're the same age, but somehow he has 5 times my energy. he's like a little kid. LOL.

we talked about a lot of things. he is practicing English, that's why. i practice Korean too, but i mostly go for him to learn English.

anyway. i have things to do before bedtime and i'm not getting them done by being on here.

Tomorrow is Korean class.