I am currently in Texas visiting Christopher Blake Bransom's family. Visiting my in-laws. But its painful. I wish so badly that when I got off that plane that he could have been the one that picked me up. I wish I could have kuat ran up and hugged him and kissed him with the passion I always felt for him... But I can't. He passed away on the 19th of November after being struck by a train...
Yesterday was his memorial and I got to hold his ashes and I hugged them so tight. I wish so bad that this was just a bad dream.. That he'd walk through that door any moment now.. Bit its too late and he's moved on.
Blake, I don't understand how you could be with me one moment and gone the next... I can't quite wrap my mind around it entirely.. I feel crushed. I am widowed. I wanted to spend the rest of my days with you, to bear your children, to walk through the mountains with you and show you the beauty of my world. I wanted to spend every day waking up to you, my Angel Eyes.. And now.. I wake up..and I'm alone.. Its a crushing realization thay this is real and I will never see you again. It's like being trapped in hell - being separated from you. I can't stand it. Why couldn't you have taken me with you? I want to be with you always and.. It's just too much.
Yesterday I went to your memorial and they played DC Talk - what if I stumble and I just.. Fell apart crying. I wanted to run out. I wanted to wail. Instead I grabbed Cameron's hand and squeezed it tight as I tried to hold back the tears. It didn't work. I bauled and this woman named pam cam up and said "where there are shadows there is light" I fell apart crying. You were my light and I just.. I hate being without you at my side. Three quarters of me is missing. My wings. My heart. My soul. My dreams. My happiness. My soulmate. You. And I beg. I beg that God helps me find you again. I wanna find my way back to you. I don't wanna live a moment without you.
After the memorial we came home and I met Tony and she was so nice and cool and I met Leanne, a suitor for your brother Chase. She's good for him. We drank a bit and went to the site where you passed away on the tracks. I sat there and gazed up into the stars. I kept thinking. You should be here gazing upon these stars with me as we go for an evening walk. Wondering if the new constellation I saw was your crow in the skies. We smoked a blunt in your honor.. I came home and slept.. This morning I heard Smashing Pumpkins - Bodies. In my head again. I can't help but wonder... Is that you doing that each morning? Was that you telling me good morning and of your love for me? I hope so. I hope you know just how much I love you. And that I am eager... I am eager for our reunion. I don't want anyone else but you. You're my one and only. My soulmate.
I am frustrated that you left before me... I wanted to come with you. No, I won't purposely take myself from this world..but I also kinda wish my heart would give out already. I can't stand being away from you. I smile each day and I live.. But you're my everything and I just.. I don't want to live this life without you at my side...I need you because I love you more than anything ever brought to me...always have and will...
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