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A little bit of this and some of that creates a story.
I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of suicidal thoughts and I'm tired of telling myself I'm weak. I'm tired of fighting with myself one side depressed and the other side fighting. I feel at such a loss, but it's crazy because I have so much to gain. How can someone who is doing well in life, be so ******** depressed? Why do I let questions like what's the point? Why are you doing this? How did I let those get in the way of previous dreams I had? I let some stupid man tell me that I shouldn't want all those things, that they're too much. He doesn't cheer for me, he only think selfishly for himself, because the moment I start to do more than he's comfortable with he decides that I decided that he's not enough.

Then I question these thoughts, is this really right? Material things don't matter much, experience doesn't matter much, there are people who are amazing that wish for love that never get it. Why am I so stuck? I wanted to do well for my family, he made me question why I was doing it. He told me I was wrong, then he says the problem is that I follow what they say and don't ask questions. I tell him my hopes and dreams, he asks me when is it going to be enough? He hurt me. He hurt me by telling me that he didn't want the things for me that I wanted for myself, he didn't want for me what would make me happy. What he wanted more than anything else was his own happiness and comfort even if it meant toning down my own to satisfy what he felt was what he wanted in life. If i'm not good enough for you, if i'm not all that you need, then you and I aren't going to work. Because you don't know what you want and by that i mean you don't want the things that I think are most valuable in life. And while you try to take the time to understand what I say and care about my feelings, I'll care about yours, but only to the point of my happiness. I can not be happy for you.

I gave up on everything because of I fell in love with someone who didn't want to push me towards my goals and dreams. Who loved me more than anyone else in the world, but who couldn't put some of that love aside to support me. Because in his mind the only question who could find was, is there all there is going to be to this relationship? Is she only going to pursue her goals and forget about me? No, I would never do that, but I wish you could understand that my trying hard is because I want to get somewhere and do something with myself and be someone. Why? Why be someone, why care about other people when you can't take care of yourself? Because that's what makes me happy, caring and making other happy, making them smile, giving them joy, and hope for the future. Hope that I myself lacked so many times in my life, I want to be that for someone else. He hears, but he doesn't listen or he listens but he doesn't understand.

As stupid as this sounds I love him, how can we get through this when I feel so hurt by him? I wonder if I'm selfish, I know I am, but is it selfish to feel this way? I lost my passion because I believed that satisfying him was more important than making myself happy.

It's wrong for me to blame all of my lack of passion on him, because it's not his fault. If I gave up it means my dreams weren't strong enough in the first place. I'm almost using him as a scape goat. It's wrong. However, I more than anything wish he just cared about what I do, that he would support me. When I think that he doesn't, I feel like crying.

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