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Thomas Hardy hit the nail on the head.
"When a strong woman recklessly throws away her strength, she is worse than a weak woman who has never had strength to throw away."
I was strong, once. I had thrown it all away for the sake of one person. This person feels like a distant dream now. Whenever I think back to when he was here, it doesn't feel real. The life I lived for a year and a half doesn't seem real. Sometimes I wonder where that time of my life went. Did it happen? It had to of, I'm here now aren't I?
I feel so weak, though my strength returns slowly. It is like I am in a full body cast waiting for the day to have it removed. Then physical therapy begins. I am impatient, wanting to be back to the way I used to be as soon as possible, when it is definately impossible. I still have the final hurdle to climb. If I make it to the other side, then I can start my "physical therapy". The final steps to being healed, oh how I can't wait to being those.
I still feel lonely. I took a nap in my room today and woke up in a cold sweat, feverishly looking for Raymond. Knowing he was no longer here, I went back to sleep until I couldn't sleep anymore. Its still going to bring me lots of trouble in my life, I just want it out.
There are people that have it worse than I do, and some that have it less. I learned from my mistakes and I am trying to cope with the consequences. I am sick of some people's happiness. I wish to shove it down their throat and choke them to death with it. They do not deserve to be happy, after all that has happened. They have not learned, they have not suffered by being alone, oh no. There was a pillow to cushion their fall, while for me concrete was my only pillow.
I fell through the concrete, onto rocks, onto thorns and down as far as a soul can go before stopping. Looking up at all the levels, one would think to themselves "I'm never going to get back up there" But that can be changed. For a while I stewed in my wrongs, kept hurting myself for them, hoping to find a sure-fire way to die. Then someone shined a ******** flashlight in my face and made me see what I was doing wrong.
As for the person holding that light, I am unsure of that as well. All I know is that I am slowly climbing out of my hole. I have a far way to go, but I'm feebily clinging to the side, hoping I will not slip and fall again. Who knows where I will go.
I have had the urge to just scream these past few days. I want out, I want to be free, and I especially want someone to see me. I may not be the brightest star in the sky, but that doesn't mean I should be overlooked for the brighter, faker ones. I'm a bleeding heart, tired and true. But I have a world of love to bestow upon someone. I am not just the hyper bubbly teenager that appears to be on some narcotic. I am a gentle person deep down. Through the happy exterior, depressed interior beats the heart of a wounded person, just wanting to be in a place where she can finally heal.
I know I will face many failed relationships before I find the one. Its foolish to think you've found the one you want to spend your life with instantly. Thats what a first real love is for. I just so happened to encounter that person early off in my life. Maybe someday I can establish some sort of relationship with this person, but with his mind, he wants to get married and spend the rest of his life with someone else. I find that to be a mistake in the making, but who am I to interject these days? I had given him advice, he thinks I am attacking him. There's no use.
Hm, all I want is for someone to help me find out what so-and-so is thinking. I cannot do this myself, because I am quite obvious. And I do not, I repeat, do not want to get my heart smashed into tiny pieces once again. If I know the coast is clear, I can try something. But if the road is not, I will step down and find something else. But I cannot do this on my own. I am not ready to do this on my own. I know nothing about relationships offline. I feel like I am 14 years old when it comes to this, I just need a friend to help me.
I don't want to be found out, not just yet. I'm scared, and unsure if i should even try. Its a whirlwind of emotions, that no one particulary cares about.
I hate happiness and all who possess it. I can never achieve that, since I cannot set myself up for rejection. Those who know me personally know that setting myself up for rejection is bad. Yet they tell me to do it anyway. What if I get rejected? I know what I will do. You know what I will do. Do you want me to do it? No. You don't.
I am a beggar when it comes to love, but I will NOT take the first person that comes my way. I have to like them as well if I am to take their advances. I am a picky person when it comes to finding someone new. My family also influences my choices, since I do not want a replay of Raymond. I come from an old-fashioned family when it comes to finding a boyfriend. I am the first generation of my family to be born in the United States, the rest of my family is European. And my grandmother came from a strict family, and my dad possesses some of those traits. He wants me to be happy, but when it comes to marriage, he wants me to make a good decision.
I am not thinking of marriage, like some people I know. I just want something to let me know that I am truly not alone. That someone offline can actually like me. I desperately need this, but with my luck, someone who I am not attracted to at all will fall in love with me, and everyone will expect me to go out with him. I cannot, and will not go out with someone that I have no feelings for. Why? Because it is not fair to the other person, I will be leading them on, and I do not wish that upon a person. I know I will probably go on dates with people and they will not be attracted to me at all. Infact I fear that people will go out with me as a joke. I have always had that fear, ever since I was a little girl.
But no one has ever asked me. And probably never will.
So shove that happiness up your a**. I wish not to see it.
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