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Well, its hard to say how I feel at the moment. I just know I need to write something down.
Whenever I want to write, the words never come...when I least suspect it, I come up with something semi-profound, or relatively interesting. I've always had an affinity for writing, but the fact that it does not come easily is what bothers me.
I have a lot to learn about writing, and I hope to learn more when I go to college next year. Perhaps a major in visual arts/english would be nice.
Its nice to ramble about something other than the petty drama that plays daily. I wish I could be rid of it, and the people that cause it. But if you think about it, I'd have to get rid of myself. I know people want that to happen, and I would be more than happy to actually do it, but I lack the means necessary to do it.
All I have is a whimpy little instrument of pain, and it doesn't go deep, unless I continously hack at one place, that is the only sure-fire way to get what I desire. (And I have tried it too, works fine to me.)
All I want is to be happy again. Ever since Raymond left things keep happening. One minute I am happy, feeling confident; the next that confidence is shattered. I'm glad my friend told me what some others thought about me today. Its better to be thrusted into the truth, than to be blind to it. When she initally told me, I laughed my a** off. But when I got to think, it really did hurt. I have to battle with it everyday, always feeling self-consious and worried. I've always been made fun of when I was younger, always being called the same thing, and to have two grown women say it is absurd. What the hell are they thinking? Perhaps they may be jealous of me? Hardly, that would only be aiding to my ego, and having an ego is a bad thing.
Well, for me. Whenever I get an ego, it is crushed shortly thereafter.
After telling my parents this, they got upset of course. But I told them that I just can't go about being the way I am...so they finally agreed to my demands. Once everything is settled, I will be undergoing some changes.
... But ... I still hold on to what someone said about me. He made me feel warm inside, even if it was a simple compliment. It made me feel good. And I am greatful for it. I hope to thank him someday.
If you want to know what I am really talking about, I don't really think it is my place to say. If I get the ok from my friend, maybe I will just say it. But for now, I cannot.
It still bothers me, how could someone just go and say that about someone they do not know? Its either they have self-esteem problems of their own, or they're just nasty. I thought I was doing ok, what more could they want? That I do not know...and I don't want to even try. It doesn't hinder my friendship with this person whatsoever. It just discourages me from going to her house alone. If I am to go there, it has to be with someone else. I do not feel comfortable alone anymore...it just doesn't feel right. My parents don't want me going over there period because they don't want to see me hurt. I don't blame 'em. But if my friend needs me, I won't just sit there...I'll do what I can.
So whatever to the comment about me being self-centered, thats a bunch of rubbish. I can be self-centered at times, mostly because I am always helping people and never myself. I want to be self-centered, I can be. And just because you don't like it doesn't mean I am going to stop instantly for you. No way.
<3
I admit I am a b***h, an a*****e, and everything in between. Who isn't?
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Community Member
Just kidding.