any time i feel any sort of pride or accomplishment in something i've made, i immediately stop it because i think it is me growing an obnoxious ego and trash it
i'm very bad at giving compliments because whenever i'm complimented i need it to be justified with stupid reasons and think the same of the person i'm talking to; and i know they don't appriciate it since i don't either, even though it's required
my mother is part of the reason why i'm off as a person, perhaps almost equally to blame as my father (not that i blame them for everything, but i've realized some things i feel guilty for doing, my reactions to things, the way i view things are a result of conditioning when i was a kid. Most of the time i can't bring myself to wear makeup because my dad called me a tramp when i was 12 for playing around with it before going to our family friends' house; most of the time i can't look at myself in the mirror and be proud of what i look like because my mom would ask me why i'm so impressed with myself today [though she might have said such things because normally i am selfdepreciating and don't smile at myself in mirrors, even still it makes me feel shitty to feel any pride in my appearenc and always need to justify why i woudl think something or why someone would compliment me]
~~((i think it is shitty to blame them for me being unhappy but seriously thinking about it the other day and realizing some things .. I dunno. Eye opening and one of the first times i've formed an opinion about one of my parents without influence from anyone))
i feel guilty a lot
i'm much more shy than i ever realized. Going to two afterparties during DEMF, seeing Krys for the first time since the Loft afterparty at DEMF, etc all really like, whatevered(can't think of the right word) me out. I didn't know how to react at all and would have much rather stayed in the room and done something else. I'm even shy towards will sometimes, about asking or telling things..
i dunno. too much thought and i dunno where it came from domokun
i also have recently discovered what TRIGGER WARNING really means. I don't know why it happend but it might have something to do with the return of empathy and the emotional state that exists without an SSRI buuuutttt when i see certain things or hear certain things I feel the need to do other certain things that I haven't done in forever and wish never to do again, or just to cry and cry
i never used to cry, dammit stressed
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It really makes me sad to realize how many people out there have really been mentally screwed over by their parents. Things they do and say, more in the interest of their public image than in the child's long-term well-being and ability to function in society. :/