★★ It is kind of funny you know? How easy it is to pretend that nothing’s wrong. So well infact that you almost begin to believe it yourself. God. I don’t even remember the last time I got more than an hour’s worth of sleep. I stay up all night trying to distract myself from reality, hoping, no praying that I get tired enough to pass into unconsciousness without having time to think about stuff. The last couple of weeks despite just how bad things are right now have at least been bearable. A lot of that is thanks to three very special people to me. James, Dani, and Stephen. James has been wonderful, if it wasn’t for him I don’t know how I could ever bring myself to go outside or leave my room. Dani and Stephen have also really made life a bit more bearable right now. I love those two so much, and I regret vanishing off the face of the earth [for awhile] and not talking to them as often as I should and would have liked to.
I’ve been trying sooo hard to deal with things – mainly for my mom. Every bodies telling me; “Be strong for mamma. She needs you.” What about me? I’m trying so hard, but it’s killing me. I’ve been doing so well at hiding just how much it hurts to see my dad reduced to this weakened state. I’ve made sure not to cry, or seemed depressed.
I found myself wandering into the kitchen. Yes at 4:30 am to munch on whatever was there. Instead of grabbing my 10^100 cup of coffee I stopped and stared at the pics on the fridge. I’ve never really done that before – I guess I took it for granted?
There were tons of pics of my parents when they were young, same with my brother and me. I do know what those pics did to me – but the more I looked at the pics, the more it hurt. It hurts so damn much to see my hero, my dad; who has always and still always the strongest person I know; finally start to give in. At the rate the cancer’s progressing and tearing away at his red blood, not even the doctors think he’ll make the whole 6 months.
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