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In Silence
It is kind of funny you know? How easy it is to pretend that nothing’s wrong. So well infact that you almost begin to believe it yourself. God. I don’t even remember the last time I got more than an hour’s worth of sleep. I stay up all night trying to distract myself from reality, hoping, no praying that I get tired enough to pass into unconsciousness without having time to think about stuff. The last couple of weeks despite just how bad things are right now have at least been bearable. A lot of that is thanks to three very special people to me. James, Dani, and Stephen. James has been wonderful, if it wasn’t for him I don’t know how I could ever bring myself to go outside or leave my room. Dani and Stephen have also really made life a bit more bearable right now. I love those two so much, and I regret vanishing off the face of the earth [for awhile] and not talking to them as often as I should and would have liked to.

I’ve been trying sooo hard to deal with things – mainly for my mom. Every bodies telling me; “Be strong for mamma. She needs you.” What about me? I’m trying so hard, but it’s killing me. I’ve been doing so well at hiding just how much it hurts to see my dad reduced to this weakened state. I’ve made sure not to cry, or seemed depressed.

I found myself wandering into the kitchen. Yes at 4:30 am to munch on whatever was there. Instead of grabbing my 10^100 cup of coffee I stopped and stared at the pics on the fridge. I’ve never really done that before – I guess I took it for granted?

There were tons of pics of my parents when they were young, same with my brother and me. I do know what those pics did to me – but the more I looked at the pics, the more it hurt. It hurts so damn much to see my hero, my dad; who has always and still always the strongest person I know; finally start to give in. At the rate the cancer’s progressing and tearing away at his red blood, not even the doctors think he’ll make the whole 6 months.

User Comments: [5] [add]
Community Member
commentCommented on: Tue Aug 07, 2007 @ 01:18pm
»» sad

I love you so much, hun. You've been so strong through it all, and I know that it hasn't been easy for you. Far from it, in fact.

I wish that I could be strong for you, and give you a better chance to get away from it all without risk of loss of time. The world keeps turning, however, so spend as much time with your dad as you can. heart I have a suggestion, actually: why not get him to tell you stories of his life that you've never heard? Maybe even pick up a recorder and keep tapes of those stories so he lives on beyond death, assuming he does pass away eventually.

I was going to tell you the story of my Gram's coma and how the doctors gave her a 40% chance of life (in which she came back to us, against the odds), but a drug-induced coma (by the doctors) and cancer are completely different things.

However, I don't want you to lose hope. sad Hope is what will keep you going sometimes, and if that hope fails, you know where to turn. heart I'll always be here for you whenever you want to vent, and if I'm not here, you have my cell. (I hope. xd ) I'll pick up for you anytime, okay?

Treat yourself to some ice cream or something else that tastes delicious, and listen to the music that makes you happy. Be around the people that you love and you'll carry on, no matter what happens.

You've shown tremendous strength through everything, Teresa... it's amazing, and I adore that. Yes, be strong, but don't be afraid to break down and have a good cry when you just can't hold it in any longer.

Hang in there, sweetie. I know you can make it through all of this.

Most importantly, remember that you're never, ever truly alone.

All my love,
Dani. heart

commentCommented on: Tue Aug 07, 2007 @ 05:13pm
After what Dani said, I'm not sure there's much I can say.. but know that I echo those sentiments; we're here to help you when you need it. And I have to apologise, because I feel that I haven't been spending enough time with you. I can blame it on having to work a full-time job, but that's really no excuse, especially when, as you said, you've been online late. So I owe you a nice long chat, okay? <3

Community Member
Community Member
commentCommented on: Tue Aug 07, 2007 @ 08:04pm
You guys made me cry reading that. I love you guys - and thank you for being there for me.

Stephen, I know you work, so it's not biggie. ^^ <3.

I'll try that Dani, my dad loves to tell stories - we do that often. I'm sure there iss tuff he hasn't told me though. 3nodding heart

commentCommented on: Sun Aug 12, 2007 @ 01:35pm
Hey, I was just going through the forum where you warned us about the hacker when I just had to press on the journal link. You see, I love to read, so just thought I would peak in. Then, I began to read this journal post of yours, which, reminded me of my own experience. You see, just like you, I had to see my dad in a similar situation . It hurt so much more, knowing that I never understood him, that I was never close to him because he was never with us as I was growing up. I could never understand his ways of punishing, within the four years we spent together, I only began to understand him the week before he went into coma. I felt such a streaking pain within my soul, I was never able to tell him how much I love him because we were never really use to being sweet. How I wish I did not hesitate to say I love you to him, how I wish I was as close to him as you are to your dad, how I wish I did not have to hear from the doctors that they have to stop his life support because he won't live. But you are far more lucky than me, you are close to your dad, he knows how much you love him, and hope still remains. Just hold on firmly, never give up, because there is always hope.

I do not know you, but somehow, somehow I knew your pain. I wish I can tell you to lean on me, but I am only a stranger to you. I hope you well, I hope you will be okay, and I hope, despite these trying times that you are facing, you will remain calm, and if you were about to give up, just trust and believe that someone who is more powerful than anything, is always looking down on us and hearing the hopes and desires of our hearts.

Complicated Blue
Community Member
Community Member
commentCommented on: Sun Aug 12, 2007 @ 10:27pm
Thank you. *Hugs.* I'm sorry about your dad ><.

User Comments: [5] [add]
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