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Doctor, heal thyself...
I have an obsession, a craving and every day I dream of him and what could be; a beautiful fantasy.
I like him for the complexity of his soul and the sorrows of his heart. I would love him as he journeys through life, for in my eyes he is perfect, and yet the world defines him differently. Sometimes, I wonder if I like him because of how his life is so different from mine; if I take a sadistic pleasure in loving someone who suffered a life different from mine, a life I love and cherish or, if loving him is simply my way to cope with my changing life.
I like him because of his tortured soul. He lacks the confidence to hold himself high, a loner in every aspect of his life. And, like every girl in the world, I want to hold him tight and look into eyes and say all the right things, as his tears finally flowed. I want to heal him and protect him from the harsh, harsh world. Be the pillar of his life as chaos and darkness surrounds him. I want to be THAT girl.
A beautiful fantasy, to be the hero that protected him, the doctor that healed and the saviour that saved him. But, as reality awoke me from my sleep, I had begun to wonder, if I truly wanted to heal him or if wanted to heal myself of the tortures of time. I want to know, if I actually want to protect him or simply use him as a shield to protect myself from the harsh reality of the world. I want to truly know, if I really wanted to save him or save myself from the insanity of life. If I am actually the loner, tortured, shattered and broken. I want to know all the answers before it is all too late.
I wish that I lived in that fantasy because reality is too much. I do not have control, my heart is aching, and my mind is wandering and I fear that my soul is breaking. The world is changing, my world is changing, and suddenly I am the one who needs a pillar. I want to cry but I cannot, I simply cannot.
I need a hero, a saviour, and a doctor. I need someone to be able to fill the void that my friends and family cannot and yet I do not because I cannot burden someone with the madness of my life and the lunacy of it all. And all I can do is to heal myself by healing him, my symbolic obsession of myself. emo
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 3xE · Sat Aug 18, 2007 @ 04:22am · 1 Comments |
