|
I think I'm about to go insane. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Even though all I do is stay home and do nothing, I've felt really stressed out and tired. I'm in a state of depression right now that came about from nowhere and I just need to see if getting everything off of my chest might help.
To start off, I've been getting the s**t-talk from my family because I'm not in school and I'm not working. I'd normally be working, but no one with hire me for some odd reason. Supposedly "everywhere is hiring". They're just not hiring me, which is stressing me out because it's getting really close to Christmas and I'm broke. Every second sentence has to do with me not having a job or going to school, but it's a double edged sword because my parents won't pay for my schooling so I have to have a job first to go to school, which I would much rather be doing than staying at home and doing nothing. I used my last bus tickets the other day to go job searching and if I ask for bus tickets from my family, they'll just complain about how I have no job. As well my phone is out of order because I'm broke. So I can't even use that.
Skip the next few paragraphs if you could care less about my family. Read on if you want to know about the group of people that made me me.
Next I'll pick off my family members one by one. First off is my step-dad, the czar of crap. Here's him in a nutshell. "I hate racists, yet I believe every stereotype that isn't for black people to be true. I hate messes, yet I leave my cluttered papers where I want. I hate when people touch my stuff, yet I oddly have the right to do what I want with theirs. I hate hypocrites.". He's probably one of the most arrogant, narrow-minded, pig-headed a** holes I know. His method of parenting is threatening you until you do what he wants. He always gets what he wants or else he'll complain, yell and sulk. And his opinion is obviously always the correct one. All he cares about is money and sports. As long as he has that, he doesn't need anything else. I can't even eat what I want because he doesn't like some foods in the fridge. He's a basket case among basket cases. It's not that he hasn't helped me sometimes though. He just expects you to read his mind 24/7 and break your habits just so he can be satisfied.
Next is my brother. He's a typical male. He thinks he's god's gift to woman, cocky, arrogant and his opinion is always sensible. Me and him are on the same plane a lot of the time, but if we're not, then his plane is usually the one I should be on, because I'm not allowed to have an opinion. He has this thing where nothing makes sense to him unless it's his way. I doubt he'll accept the fact that I'm gay easily. Actually, he'll accept the fact. He just won't let it down. To him, gays are sort of like a joke. He constantly calls me gay and f** jokingly, and I the same, but he doesn't know that I am... or at least, I think he doesn't know. He's found some gay porn on my computer once or twice lol I just blamed it on a virus. He hates doing favors for others and likes to embarrass me. A typical male, a typical brother. At first you'd think he's different, but you should never skim the surface with him, or he'll deceive you.
Lastly is my mother (I won't go into my step-brothers) She's kind and what have you, but paranoid. She reads a lot of murder books and stuff like that, so shes a strong believer of Murphy's law. She's very constricting and still thinks as me and my brother as little kids. I can't go ANYWHERE without her permission. It's not that she doesn't trust our judgment (which she doesn't) it's that she doesn't trust anyone. She loves the feeling of security and knowing that we're safe. That's why I think she started dating my step-dad so soon after she divorced my dad. She wanted that comfort and then settled. That's exactly what she did. Settled. She constantly takes the bullshit my step-dad flings and acts like it doesn't bother her. I'm pretty tired of all the crap that goes around in my house and definitely need a change in scenery. I think once I come out to my mom, then I'll be a little less depressed. She's the only one I'd feel safe doing it to anyways.
By the way, I'm not out of the closet yet. I'm so close to outing myself though. I'm just to scared to know the reaction of everyone if I do. But this weight is too heavy to continue carrying on my back. My step-dad is a self proclaimed "Homophobic" so I definitely don't want him knowing. I just don't want everyone to look at me differently. Kind of. I've tried to be straight, but I'm just not attracted to women. I feel like screaming right now. Screaming and crying and punching something. Everything seems to be conflicting each other. I want to tell someone important to me that I'm gay, but I don't want them to change the way the look at me. It always seems negative when I try to be myself and not what others want me to be. It's like, you live your whole life being told what to think and what to do and you get so suffocated by everything breathing down your throat spewing out crap that you don't know whether to follow or not.
I'm even doubting my own religious beliefs. But I never really followed one in the first place. I find it ridiculous to follow a religion because you are afraid of the spiritual head. I think it's best to not follow a religious group, but to praise your own beliefs by yourself. I believe that there's a god, or a god like figure. I don't know if I should call them god or what, but there's something around. And I don't want to be certain of anything, because the chance of being wrong scares me. I've actually wanted to die just to know what happens. It sounds weird but I'm just curious. Church isn't my thing. I can't sit still and listen to someone preach something out of their a**. A lot of churches have stupid rules and stuff which doesn't seem to be right.
Still feel like screaming. I'm still depressed too. And it's lasting. I'm usually an optimistic person, but I've got this impending doom-like cloud over my head. It's just not right, the feeling. GRRR.... Blech. lolcats and people falling on youtube isn't even cheering me up. GRACE KELLY BY MIKA ISN'T EVEN CHEERING ME UP! I just don't know what to do...
I wish I had a boyfriend, or a close friend to share this with. As much as they'd like to think they know me, my friends don't. They can't tell my moods, my feelings, they barely like the same things as me and they still think I'm straight. I hang with girls a lot. I act straight around them, but these last few weeks I've felt like I'm lying to them. I don't really want them to find out, because they will make fun of me for it. Playfully of course, but my pride is very strong and I'd die if they found out. Well all at once at least. It'd be okay one by one, but not now... not for a while. My one guy friend is anti-gay too. I just don't plan on telling him. But he's closer to my personality the my other two best friends. By the way, my best-guy-friend hates one of my best-gal-friends and vice-versa. We like the same things but I can't be honest with him, without ruining the friendship. I don't even have a crush on him or anything. He's just a cool guy who can sometimes be socially awkward and can sometimes be an a**. Whereas I'm constantly an a**. They still don't know I'm gay though? Seriously? I'm witty, sharply dressed, I watch the hills any chance I get and I hang around with girls.
Blech.
Blech.
Now what... I guess I'm done...
 steam punk rhapsody · Sat Nov 24, 2007 @ 06:02am · 4 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
