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Christmas.... one of the many words I now hate. Holidays, love, joy, and happiness are a few other words I know hate, as well. It's kinda sad that your friends don't know if you're hiding pain and sorrow in your heart... it's sad that they can't tell.

A friend of mine asked me once why I as always so irritated at church. So, naturally, I blew up at him. I just got mad at him, but, it's like he could see all of the pain in my heart that I was feeling... or he may have seen it in my eyes. It's hard to tell.

but to be truthful, I'm amazed that he saw it. I'm usually very good at hiding my pain... I hide the pain of losing shawn... and I think about it every day, about how life would be different if he hadn't passed away.

I just miss life as it used to be... happiness, and smiles, and laughter. but now, there is no true smile that I have on my face, or true laugh that i make. I fake them all. When i'm alone, I think of nothing but pain. I'm not emo, I just dig my fingernails in my arm to stay awake.

I whack my head to stop from crying, and then... I just thikn about pain, and how it will never go away.