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My mom sent me this email I though it was funny


Things I have learned over the years

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair..

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3 year old brother to hold a tomato..

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Never hold a Dust Buster and a cat at the same time.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.

No matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

You shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

You can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

No matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved (and never will achieve) its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".


No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Your family and true friends love you, no matter what.