Place: Home Time: 2:11 A.M. Emote: Introverted arrow Writing on: computer
So I haven't written in a long time. I suppose there is some catching up to be done. The first matter of bussiness: I don't like MarshMellows any more. My good friend Chandler kindly knocked me out of that particular phase. I was so.... obsessed with him. I look back and realize what I did. I held him the highest regard, and thought nothing could be wrong with him. I do that to people. I think of them as perfect in my minds eye.... and fail to see the flaws. I did that with another one of my friends... but then.... I'm sorry everything is just to painful to talk about right now. With MarshMellows..... I have to control the urge to hate him... for what I did to myself. and as for the other friend..... I feel like I tip toe around them.... try not to make them blow up like a bomb. I also always feel like I'm stupid....or I'm being annoying... I feel like everybody looks at me and thinks "Oh my god she is so aggrivating". I remember when I was in the "peak" so to speak of my depression I thought like that.... a lot. Maybe I'm over reacting. Or maybe I'm getting worse. I don't know. I just found myself thinking about one of the lines from Rx I book that I love.
"I need to dial down the pain"
Thats what I feel right now. Like I need to lose some of the pain for just a little while. just go to bed for a while. not have to wake up and do anything. Just to be able to lie there. and think.... or maybe not think. yeah. I just don't want to think. I want to go to bed... but I know I'll have to wake up in the morning and try to make the day not hurt so much. Try to live and not resent every moment. It's so hard for me to just be carefree and happy. Seeing pictures of myself as a girl makes me cry, because I see myself... all smiles... and I wonder "where is she?" Why can't I be that oblivious any more? Why can't I just be happy for no reason. I see my Elementary school days.... and realize that I was the freak. Nobody cared... I don't remember having friends at school... and no matter how hard I try.... I can't remember a single friend.... that wasn't just pretending. And I don't understand how I made it through those days... with fake friends... and fake smiles.... and pretend happiness.... and yet I'd give anything for just a little taste of how I felt back then. Anything.... and now it's off to bed.... to hopefully drag out this existence for as long as possible... until I go into a seconds worth of sleep, and then wake to face another ******** day.
Victorious_RIot_13 · Sat Dec 22, 2007 @ 08:37am · 0 Comments |