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Tales of life in the black order
Mei Walker's diary day 2:
Tales of Life in the Black Order Day 2 Day whatever-it-is-now:

Mei Walker woke up in the middle of the night. Sweat rolled down her face and she was breathing heavily. It was obvious she had just woken up from a terrible nightmare. She got up and walked to the bathroom. She saw something out of the corner of her eye, spun around, and screamed. It was just a shadow. She went into the bathroom and turned on the sink. She splashed water onto her face and rubbed her eyes sleapily. "Not another nightmare... again..." she murmured sleepily. This wasn't the first nightmare she'd had. Every night since she'd come to the black order was filled with images of akuma, blood everywhere, and dead comrades. Mei wasn't a killer; she'd never killed anyone in her life before the time she had accidentally activated her innocence when they first found out she was an exorcist. The sight of blood made her feel faint... she also missed he family very much. "Maybe I'm not cut out to be an exorcist..." she wispered.






User Comments: [1] [add]
Chibi Sebas-chan
Community Member
avatar
commentCommented on: Fri Dec 28, 2007 @ 10:17pm
Critic time! =D

Overall, good story. I likes it.
Is interesting.

Minor suggestions:

Spelling. You spelled "whispered" wrong in the last sentence and "sleepily" wrong after Mei turned on the sink and rubbed her eyes.

Variation. You used "sleepily" twice in very close proximity. Try not to use the same adjective more than once per paragraph. (This is where large vocabularies can be vury handy. ;3 Even if a word eludes you, use the thesaurus online! The thesaurus is one of my best friends. <3)

Now that that's out of the way, I really don't think your writing is so bad.
Just keep practicing and don't give up.
I can't wait to see what happens next!


<3


User Comments: [1] [add]
 
 
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