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Here's that story for whoever's interested. If you're easily offended, don't read on, you've been warned. It's a gag story and not meant to be taken seriously at all. I had friends that were supposed to write more to it, but like I said, had friends.
So if anyone's reading this and decides "Hey, this looks like fun, maybe I'll hop on the boat and write a little," lemme know and I'll get you set up with some basic infos and you can write another part to it, lol.
So, without further ado, the strangest story on Heaven/Hell and all that other stuff you'll ever read....Except for Good Omens of course.
You might want to copy and paste this into a Word Document or something that will consolidate it. The Journals don't do formatting.
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Oh God in Heaven!
Cassandra was walking home lazily, not worried about the dangers lurking in the usual dark city streets. She was so used to it now that it just didn’t faze her any more, the thoughts of some random person coming up behind her and stabbing her in the back, or kidnapping her and raping her and then stabbing her in the back. She blew it all off with an easy wave of her hand.
It was late though. Ten thirty P.M. to be exact. She was supposed to be home about an hour ago but got sidetracked at work doing inventory. She’d done it before so wasn’t too worried about it, but she was tired and she needed a shower. So she ventured forth, her quiet walk home alone, in the dark, in her work clothes, heels clicking on the ground. She was already a target and didn’t even know it. But even though she had a few people eyeing her up and one already following her, it was the Porsche barreling down the street that took her out.
All Cassandra could remember was feeling something cold, everything going dark, and then waking to someone poking at her.
“Hey…hey you…Hey you with the hair, let’s go, I ain’t got all night,” came a rather rough voice. Cassandra opened her eyes and stared up at a rather frightening woman. She was wearing all black and a hood covered her face, but Sandy knew she was scary. “Well?”
Sandy sat up and stared at the woman…at least she was pretty sure it was a woman. “Who are you?” she asked.
The woman seemed taken aback by this, jerking her head back in a fashion that showed internal frustration at the simple question. She tossed her arms out to the side, the heavy fabric of her wide sleeves snapping at the motion.
“Wild guess!” she shouted indignantly.
Sandy shook her head. “I’m sorry, I don’t recall.”
The woman groaned. “Well I ain’t the ********’ pope I can tell yah that much. Now get in the damn carriage,” she said, motioning to the black, horseless carriage.
Sandy stared. “Excuse me? What for?” she asked.
“Dear God and Satan, they’re all ways the same. Listen, chick, do you want to go to the gates to be judged or roam around here like a damned ghost for all eternity, because I have a large party needs picked up in Iraq in about five minutes. Make it quick,” she said and she trudged over to the little black carriage and plopped down in the driver’s seat.
Sandy stared at it for a minute and shrugged. “Might as well…beats getting raped,” she said and she walked forward and hopped in. It was a much tighter fit than it looked and she fidgeted uncomfortably as she got situated.
“Finally. Comfortable?” asked the odd woman.
“Not really,” said Sandy.
“Good, enjoy the ride,” she said and the carriage jerked. The next thing Sandy knew she was standing in an oddly fluffy looking area in a long line or people, a group of men in fatigues popping up behind her in line and looking equally as confused. She leaned to the side and watched as person after person had someone at a desk suddenly appear before them and start questioning them, a large book propped up and open on the desks surface, a golden feathered quill in hand. The person behind the desk looked the same each time and she furrowed her brow in confusion.
“Sandy right?” she suddenly heard. She looked over at one of the same women, little wings fluttering on her back, a golden circlet on her head. “Or Cassandra to be more precise.”
“Um, yeah…I’m Sandy,” she said. How did this woman know her name?
“Good! Welcome to life after death! I’ll be your host through this transition. You may call me Pergie,” she said delightedly.
Sandy’s eyes widened. “Wait! Life after death? What do you mean death?” she asked in alarm.
Pergie’s face looked lightly solemn. “You mean…you don’t know?”
“Know what?” asked Sandy, oddly at ease.
“Why you were hit by a car not five minutes ago. Nasty mess it was, dead almost as soon as it hit ya, blew both legs right off, rather impossible accident actually, great to watch. Now, if you would please fill out this form,” she said, her words spoken quickly and slung together.
Sandy looked up. “What form?” she asked.
Pergie plucked a set of papers from a stack next to the large book. “Just some personal information. Should I read the fine print?” she asked. Sandy nodded. “Very well.” It was like a flash that Pergie spoke.
“InthiscourseofactionestablishedintherealmandhomeofPergatorysponseredbythemightymasterGodandSatanrunbythedimishedcompletedrundowndilapitatedandfurhtermorethanrammshakleoftheearthenbreatherenyouherebyrelinquishallrightstonameappearencefamilymemoriesandphysicalrehabilitationforthegreathergoodofdeath.”
She stopped to take a breath.
“InrelinquishingtheserightsyouareherebyreturningyoursoultoGodSatanTheAllmightyCreaterMotherAllahMohammadBuddahKrishnaZuesetceteraforfurtherusebyanotheroryourselfifrightsareeverrestoredtherebygrantingyouanotherlamepromenadethroughalifethathasnomeaningsuchastheoneyouhavesorecentlycompletedwhichinlaymenstermsconsistedofallworknoplayandtheselfchosenpathtoberudetobedraggledhumanbeingsmanyofwhichweremyownemployeesscoutingtheearthtodecidewhetherornotitwouldbeagoodtimetobeginArmagedon.”
She paused for another breath and huffed.
“FurhermoreinsigningthispaperyouagreetowhateverhardshipsyourchosenwayoflifeakareligionhasputuponyouforthesoulpurposeofcontrolingyourthoughtsandactionsasahiddenhierarchysomethingthatGodandSatanhasverymuchcometodislikeandhasdecidedjustrecentlythatwhoeverbelievesinwhattheybelievewillrecievejusttreatementforthatbelief. Sign here please,” she said and she placed the paper back down in front of Sandy.
Sandy stared at the woman in front of her, her own tongue twisted at trying to fathom what it must have been like to give the speech she’d just given. She looked down to the paper in front of her and discovered that the whole thing was fine print and impossible to read. The only thing legible was the spot that said “sign here”. She shrugged and scribbled in her name. The paper disappeared with a pop and to be replaced by a shimmering little sign that read “Thank You!” She blinked and suddenly everything was different.
Behind the woman, Pergie, there was suddenly a row of benches that seemed to go one forever in the drabbest looking room she’d ever seen. People sat there, faces forward, hands resting on their knees, never moving, never blinking. It was a pathetic sight. Next to her on either side was an endless line of desks with more Pergies and other people, signing papers and having little thank you signs pop up before them. Off to each side of the odd room that for some reason didn’t stretch as far wide as the desks, but did as far deep, if not deeper, were two stair cases. One was black and led up, the other was made of shimmering white marble and led down.
“Well miss Jimmie, welcome to Purgatory. Now let me see,” said Pergie and she began to flip through the large book before her. Sandy’s eyes widened when she realized that the many pages she was flipping over all had pictures of her on the pages. “So you had a good family, lots of siblings, cousins…oh yes, your cousin George joined us a few months ago. I believe he’s enjoying himself, let’s check,” she said. She leaned to one side and suddenly there was a little floating knob. Pergie grabbed it and pulled. There was a little click and part of the scene behind her was pulled open to reveal a little Hawaiian scene where her cousin was sitting on a reclined chair, sipping on a little cocoanut drink.
“Hi George!” said Pergie happily, waving into the man.
He waved back excitedly. “Hey there, Pergie! How’re things up there?” he asked.
“Great, how’s the weather there?” she asked.
“It’s a scorcher! But the water’s nice an’ cool and there’s a nice breeze comin’ in,” he said.
“That’s awesome. I’ll see what I can do about the temp,” said Pergie.
“Much obliged! Have a good one,” he said.
“Will do! Bye!” she said and she shut the little window, turning back to Sandy. “See, everything’s right as rain. Now, going back to here, it says you’re devoted in a family of Mormons.”
Sandy shook her head. “Not devote, but basic beliefs.”
“Ah, so…” she scribbled something illegible on the page before her. “Seven years, metal seat, and you’ll have God do the final inspections…Okay, if you’d come with me please, we’ll get you set up.” Pergie stood and headed around towards the many benches behind her.
“Hey, Perg! How’s the listing!” came a boisterous voice from one of the stair ways. Pergie and Sandy looked over and Pergie smiled.
“Hey, GS, everything’s great. Here to receive the daily?” she asked.
“Yup, and then I have to take a trip down, make sure everything’s all right,” said an oddly dressed woman.
“Oh, that reminds me, a few people said that the temp’s getting just a little high, might want to turn it down some,” said Pergie, grabbing a book off a shelf that appeared in front of her and then promptly disappeared after she took the book.
The woman, GS apparently, pulled back the bright pink sleeve of her low cut top and looked at a watch that held likenesses of the Earth. “Hmm…”She pressed a button and the watch lengthened, turning black before little flames leapt up and a number blinked bright orange. “Yeah, I guess three thousand’s a little hot. I’ll make a point to adjust it. Now, who do we have?”
Pergie hummed happily in her throat and opened the book, flipping through the pages and making little notes as she went. Sandy noticed that there was a long line of people behind her, all looking around in slight confusion.
“Well, let’s see….This one…this one ….this one…and this one,” she said, pointing to three people in the front row. Multiples of her were in the other rows pointing out other people who all suddenly had relieved looks on their faces. They stood slowly and stretched. “They’ll be heading over there,” she said pointing to the stairs that led down. Pergie then walked along down the row and pointed out a few more people, her copies doing the same. “They’ll be over there.” She pointed to the other side.
GS looked around and nodded. “All right. Have them split up and get them signed in. Hell needs a visit so I’ve got to run. I’ll be back up for dinner in a while,” she said and she marched off towards the stairs leading up, her mini skirt swishing and her combat boots clicking on the stone ground as she went. All the people Pergie’d pointed out split to where they were supposed to go and went with apprehension, lining up in little red rope sectioned lines along the boring wooden walls.
Pergie turned to the line of people and Sandy. “Well, I’ll leave the lot of you to the twins! You’ll get to your seats shortly. Have a good seven!” she said and she popped away, appearing with her big book at the head of each line behind a little desk. Sandy watched as person after person stepped forward, signed a paper then climbed or descended a set of stairs carefully.
There was another pop and suddenly to other women, different in appearance, appeared before them.
“Hello! Welcome to your seven years! I’m Jesus—,”
“And I’m Christ! Please, allow us to--,”
“Get you seated and in as much dis—,”
“Comfort as we can,” finished the one called Christ. They grabbed Sandy first and walked her towards the bench, the front one their destination.
“I-I don’t understand…You’re Jesus and Christ but…I thought it was one person,” she said as they walked.
“Silly, what—,”
“Sense does that make? One—,”
“Person have two names like that?” said Jesus.
“It’s unfathomable—,”
“Immoral—,”
“Unrealistic!” said Christ.
“But…then…you’re both girls I mean…what?” asked Sandy, completely confused.
“Oh, you mean that man that posed as the both of us?” said Jesus.
“He was just there helping us out—,”
“Said it wouldn’t be good—,”
“If two women walked around—,”
“Trying to spread the word of God,” said Jesus.
“But…all those stories…the bible,” she said.
“Psha, that old book—,”
“Is one giant load of bull,” said Christ.
“Us, the children of God? Please!”
“What stupidity, God doesn’t—,”
“Have any children, she’s—,”
“Just fine the way—,”
“She is,” said Jesus.
Sandy looked completely appalled. “What? You…you mean…God’s a woman?” she asked.
“So’s Satan.”
“One in the same they are,” said Jesus.
“She makes trips back and forth every day.”
“Just made her way upstairs I believe, you’ve—,”
“Seen her haven't you?” said Christ.
“She was wearing pink—,”
“Hard to miss in this drab old place.”
Sandy shook her head in shock and gratefully sat down on the bench behind her. “This is insane…I must be dreaming,” she said, grabbing her head.
“Nope, no dream but—,”
“That’s all right, you’ve got—,”
“Seven years to figure it out,” said Jesus, both with smiles on their faces.
Sandy stared at them in horror. “Seven years? What do you mean seven years?” she asked in alarm.
They both frowned. “It’s written right there—,”
“In that ‘scared’ book you—,”
“Love. Seven years sitting—,”
“In Purgatory to pay for any—,”
“Sins before God or Satan—,”
“Decides your fate,” said Christ.
Sandy stared at them. “But…why?” she asked.
“Well it’s simple really—,”
“It’s what you believe in—,”
“And have worshiped all your life…” said Jesus.
“Who are we to—,”
“Deny you the rights—,”
“That you believe in and—,”
“Force you to do something that—,”
“You don’t want to do?” said Christ.
“We’re giving people and—,”
“We want nothing more than—,”
“To live up to your expectations—,”
“Of us without complaint. So you—,”
“Enjoy your stay and if anything—,”
“Isn’t dead-on with your beliefs then—,”
“You just go ahead and let us know—,”
“And we’ll get everything fixed—,”
“Just for you!” said Jesus, both smiling again.
Sandy stared at them. “You mean…I have to sit here, on this metal bench, for seven years?” she asked, her voice wispy and terrified.
They nodded. “Absolutely!” they said in unison.
“And then…then I can go to heaven and be…happy?” she said, in hopes to make sure she had something to look forward to.
They laughed. “Oh no, you silly girl!” said Christ.
“You don’t just get into heaven!” laughed Jesus.
“No, GS decides—,”
“Where you go based on—,”
“Good behavior and—,”
“Just whether or not she’s—,”
“Going to be able to stand you!” said Christ.
“So you sit tight and be—,”
“Have and you’ll find out what’s—,”
“What in seven years. Now—,”
“You just sit just like them and—,”
“Remember, we’re here to—,”
“Live up to your beliefs!” they finished together cheerily. They said goodbye and as they left Sandy was suddenly pulled tight to the bench and her back was straightened. She watched as others were seated before she noticed something.
Some of the people signing the little papers and being led away, were sent immediately in one direction or the other. Why weren’t they sitting on the bench?
“Hey…Hey! J and C! Hey, I have a question!” she shouted.
Pergie popped up in front of her. “I can help with that. What seems to be the problem?” she asked.
Sandy pointed to all the people being led to the stairs. “Why are they being let out all ready? Don’t they have to sit seven years?” she asked.
Pergie laughed. “Well of course not, that’s not what they believe in,” she said. “No, they believe in Hell directly, or heaven for all, or even a place called Summerland, and some even believe that they’re reborn directly after death.”
“But…that’s not…fair,” she said.
Pergie laughed again. “It’s death! There’s nothing fair about it, just what you believe. But if you’re real insistent about it then you just say the word and you can abandon your faith and make your way to the public conversion desk. Each religion is color coded to make conversion easier, so feel free. Now if you’ll excuse me they’re short on staff so I need to make my way back. Enjoy yourself!” she said and she hurried off, splitting into three different people and sitting down behind three different desks with lines of people in front of them.
Sandy sat in shock on her bench and stared around the drab room, suddenly noticing the giant flashing sign that said ‘Conversion Desk’. It pointed down to the long desk, a few people in line, scribbling away at some forms. They folded their papers and handed them over to other Pergies who passed them off to yet another who placed them in turn into a little box that said ‘After Death Insurance Coverage’. A light would flash then that would either be red or green. If it was green the person jumped up and cheered and went to the spot their new religion indicated, but if it was denied the person was made to return to their place and wait a while for their next shot at conversion.
Sandy sighed and stared at it, her mind whirling with different thoughts. She blinked and suddenly she was at the desk, staring at all the different forms. She hummed and plucked at one, the mother religion being Buddism. She sighed and took the proffered quill and scratched away, filling out the easy to read form and sighing as she signed her name and handed it over.
“Now remember, by signing this form, if it is accepted by your Life After Death Insurance you’ll have three days before you are reborn,” she said.
Sandy gasped. “Well…I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet,” she said.
“I know I am. I’ve been through every thing here and it’s all just so boring for me. I hope my slip goes through,” he said, signing the same form and handing it over. Sandy watched as the man held his breath while he was analyzed and whooped when the light flashed green. He rushed off to follow a group of Pergies dressed in red and was led away to go over his past life and what his new life would entail.
Sandy looked back to the Pergie in front of her. “So would you like to select a different form?” she asked. Sandy nodded. “Very well.” She ripped the paper up and moved away to let Sandy pick another. She ended up pulling a Satanist paper without realizing it.
“Good choice. I picked that one,” came a familiar voice. She turned to see her cousin.
“George! What one?” she asked.
“Satanist!” he said. Sandy screamed and tossed the paper away. “Oh no, don’t be like that. Hell’s great! The weather’s always warm and someone’s always right there to give you what you need. Plus you get to make weekly trips to heaven to gamble!”
Sandy stared. “Gamble? In heaven?” she asked. George nodded. She looked back to the form.
“Let me tell you something Sandy. Nothing’s perfect but at least you have a choice. Either way…nothing bad can come of it. So go ahead, you’ll go through and then you can head downstairs with me, have a margarita, and do some gambling. What’ d’ya say?” he asked.
Sandy sighed and shrugged, signing the paper and passing it off. Pergie took it, slid it in the machine and the light flashed green. Sandy blinked and suddenly she had a drink in her hand and George was screaming as he won a mil.
 oOGarrettOo · Tue Jan 08, 2008 @ 04:29pm · 0 Comments |
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