My heart is telling me to do something, yet my brain is telling me not to. D: I have to chose between, "intelligence" and "belief". Not a good thing. D:
Heres the story.
March 29 2008
So I woke up, and cleaned my room since I'd have to do it later in the day anyways.
I went upstairs and then back down. My dog followed me back and forth. I ate at about 11:30 my time... then again at 1:00pm. Since I'm diabetic I have to test before meals.
I tested at 11:30 when I first ate, but then never bothered to at 1:00pm.
D: My dad freaked, he like made me feel like I wasn't loved, and it really feels like I'm not. (Hes just lying over there, like nothing happened [at the moment])
So I got in huge trouble.
Then I was talking to my dad, and said something about whores.
I then walked over to the fridge and said "like you Morgan" and she was right there.
I intentionally did that, mind you.
She then started whining, and I said "Just because you don't believe it, doesn't mean its not true" so then I got my ipod sort of taken away. I got it back with in 2 minutes. I walked away from my dad saying "You such an a**" in a mumble.
He then freaked at me. D:
[He is an a**, and its true.]
So I then freaked.
He went to the bathroom and I went downstairs.
(We have a air hockey table, and a chair underneath it. Its flipped over, so the back of it is on the ground.)
I went down to the chair and sat there and just cried saying things like
"Nobody cares about me" , "Nobody loves me" , and "If I died nobody would care"
I kept saying all those over and over. D: Almost believing it.
I thought about cutting myself, and suicide.
The cutting would let me release my anger, on myself intentionally.
The suicide would let me out of this horrible world.
D: Either works, for different purposes.
I then got up, still crying and went to my downstairs room. I hid under the covers, hoping my sister wouldn't hear me. I finally realized I should write something down.
About how much I hate them, or something like such. D:
SO I did.
I cried all over that sheet of paper.
I was thinking about cutting myself, and how bad it would hurt.. I thought about suicide, but wouldn't go threw with it since I had my dog.
I then just gave up, and just sat down and waited.
I went up stairs.-
arrow I'm not stupid, I don't cut or do suicide
arrow I was thinking of cutting myself, and poring the blood all over my walls
:Arrow: Maybe I'll go into the emo section of the world
arrow My heart said I should cut myself, my brain said thats stupid.
arrow I wish I wasn't stupid.
Crazi3_is_me Community Member 
|
|
