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8.01.05 pt 3
Lately I have felt useless. That feeling is slowly disapating. I was told that I made a lot of progress since 2.11.05, in a way it instilled some sort of good vibe, like I did something "good" so-to-speak, and it makes me feel...alright.
I still feel useless to some extent, it feels like I can't make anyone feel better, or see the light in the darkness. But that would be asking too much. But when you're there for someone constantly, and they make you feel like you have no good qualities whatsoever, it does make you think once in a while.
I can't help that I am weak. I'm not like some people, where my confidence can be confused with arrogance. I'm just to...humble. I'd bend to someone's will before I have someone bend to mine. I feel bad when I ask someone for something I want, or want to do. Hell, I feel bad when I put my own music into someone else's CD player.
But then again bending to someone else doesn't make you to be a strong person. I try being strong, but most of the time its not the best thing.
I like being complimented. It gives me something that I thought I lost. Being told you're a good friend, or that you've changed for the better, makes me feel like I've done something right, and its good. I've been told I could stand to lose weight, or I don't look good with this, or I'm not really very attractive. Maybe so...but...it hurts. Having someone confirm how you've always felt doesn't really sit well with me. I really don't know what I am trying to say, but its just...I don't know.
I feel like I'm due for a breakdown, but in a way I don't. Things have been just "blah". Nothing really bad, nothing really good either. I just want to fly away from here and do something I've never done, or go somewhere I've never been. Live life as if I won't be around tomorrow, try to make the best of things and be happy. When you're just sitting there trying your damnedest to keep on a happy face.
I'm still disappointed that the two gentlemen (I don't really think they fall into that category) I found interesting don't even see me as anything but a friend, even that. Its sad that my friends are the one's that attract their attention, while it is I that has the feelings for them.
I really hope I don't encounter that in the future. I might do something mean. That wouldn't be nice.
I guess I've ran my mouth on long enough. Time for bed, or writing. Probably writing.
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