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What the ********. Seriously. I am getting quite pissed. No one seems to want to talk to me. I used to talk all the time, now people never initiate conversation, they rarely respond, and even when I get them talking it dies after a few sentences.
Another problem I have is girls. They never notice me. I am that guy no one notices is actually a GUY. It is so annoying. I have lots to say about this, but suddenly I am uncomfortable. Anyways, I doubt much I will ever date. It does not seem likely. I am not the kind of person most would like to date I guess. Not the type ANYONE would. Plus I jsut plain don't understand girls. So rational one second, so emotional and irrational the next. CALM THE ******** DOWN. PUT IT IN ******** PERSPECTIVE. IT DOESN'T MATTER. So stop being so ******** emotional.

Does that sound hypocritical to you? I suppose I do over react.

Ah, well, none of it matters. I will forget it anyways.

To get back to my people problems:

No one seems to want to be my friend, no one will debate with me. My mind is beginning to atrophy. I miss the days that I could get lost in long winding converations, when I always had someone to joke with, to listen to music with, talk with, even just sit next to. I NEED people. As much as they irk me, I need them. Without someone else, life has little meaning. I wake, I eat, I sleep. That is just about it. I get so lonely, without people. When they leave me the darkness begins to creep up on me. I try so hard to keep it away, but it comes closer and closer. I don't like to be alone. There is nothing left for me if I have no one to be with. No one to talk to.

So, ******** you humanity. ******** you all. I hate you hypocritical, idiotic, insensitive bastards. I want to see you all realize the futility of your lives. I want to watch you fail, one by one to make a difference, to succeed. Because you can't change things. You are incapable of it. You are inflexible and thus doomed.

I am still alone. So alone. I sit here, with nothing to comfort me but books. I have watched my life fall apart, my friends fade into the distance, my happiness dissipate. I wonder what this is all about. Why? So fascinating, this world, these people. So strange.

I think I may have mental problems. But who doesn't? You all just hide it. Underneath the smile, underneath the rountines you are afraid. Afraid of yourselves, afraid of others, afraid of the world. You are drowning in your fear, you corruption, your foolishness. The very denial you put up to protect you is killing you. Humanity is destroying itself. If your fears are repressed, ignored, they grow. They become more and more irrational. Fear leads to war. War causes death, and hatred. Hatred and war lead to more fear.

End the cycle. Save yourselves while you can. Fears must be faced, overcome. Unless you can do that, you can never truly be happy. Because one day the fear will rise again. This darkness inside the collective "soul" of humanity is a cancer. It must be removed. It is vast, dangerous, and in all ways horrific. Inside humanity lies the capacity for great harm. The capacity for endless and senseless brutality. How is it that a human can give his life for a stranger, and at the same time a human can torture, rape, or kill another? Why?

Why does this fear of difference exist? Why does it pervade society, at all levels? How can such evil exist in the world? Will we ever know?

Why do humans feel the urge to crush all difference? We have all heard of the power of fear. It drives mobs to do horrific things. Things few people could even contemplate. Yet these seemingly rational people can be so easily stirred into violence.

I may never know this. I may never find out.

I am sorry if this is hard to read, hard to follow. I tried to organize it, but this is a taste of what my mind is like. It flows, meanders through many thoughts. I wrote as it came to me.

And I still want to know. Why?