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8.7.05
Its funny, today was productive in more ways than one. Gut feelings verified, and old habits brought up again.
Lets face it, I'm a hypocrite. I tell Raymond not to cut himself because its stupid, and here I go again cutting myself. I just sat there in my room for 20 minutes, and I just broke down.
I don't know why, I just couldn't stop crying. Those little things that annoy you throughout the day created some sort of snowball effect. No one is willing to listen to me unload my problems, all I get is "sorry" or "i see" then I go to listening to their problems while I'm sitting there feeling uncomfortable. I do it anyway, for them.
I haven't had a chance to talk to anyone, they're busy with their problems. I try talking to my parents. My mom makes me even more upset, and my dad yells at me. Both having negative effects on me.
So why did I do it?
I honestly don't know.
All I know is that it hurts right now, badly.
I hate myself for going over the new scars and creating new ones on top of the old. I hate myself for not being strong enough to hold up myself. People think I'm so ******** strong sometimes, I break down too.
I hold in so much information from everyone, its hard for me to hold something in. Normally I'm the kind of person that keeps a secret well, I guess I'm not that kind of person anymore.
A bad friend?
Maybe.
A human?
Definately.
Yeah, I admit it. I can be a shitty friend. Infact I'm a very bad one. I've always been given the impression that I couldn't do a ******** thing, or I wasn't good enough as a friend, or couldn't get the things that everyone else has. I can't pay people back right away and I feel like I'm forced to.
Whatever money I get for the first few weeks is going to my dad, for paying off my debt to him since he's giving me money to pay for my books.
I don't like being poor. I don't want to work for s**t pay and get little out of it either.
Maybe thats a part of me that just snapped.
Its funny, I can think of almost everything that each of my friends will say to this. Some will be angry, some will be annoyed, some will just be blunt and hurt my feelings even more.
Whatever, I don't care.
I tried, and you know what, my effort wasn't good enough it seems.
Maybe it was punishment for being bad in a sense. I couldn't help Jen, I can't help Alexia no matter how hard I try, and John just seems indifferent to it all.
I know I can't fix everything. But when people come to you, with the same thing, it makes you think you can try to make a difference, when all you're doing is spinning you're wheels and not getting anywhere.
If what I have to say is not good enough. Then just go elsewhere and let me lie. That goes to everyone. If you know I won't help the situation, just let me alone.
Its funny...I haven't cried like this since Raymond left. The type of crying where you think your chest is going to explode, even though you're not crying as hard as you should.
I need to go to bed.
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