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Greetings and Salutations upon this 23rd day of the Month of April. It has been an EXTREMELY long time since I've written anything in my Gaia Journal, so I figured I'd remedy that today. I was thinking of writing this on D.A. instead of here, but I figure that I'd rather post it here were not so many people are inclined to give a s**t... Forgive my negativity, though. You see, I'm in a bit of a foul mood today because I find myself always at the butt-end of the stick. As soon as something starts to go right for me, something else comes along to devastate me and it leaves me... Well... A little empty inside. I'll explain:

The last update I made was on August the fourth. Since then, I started dating a beautiful young woman, Joined an improv. comedy group and did our first performance in Nov. at Janicon, were forced to move into a new house, lost my Broadband and had no internet for almost 3 months, was a main guest (along with the rest of my troupe) at Anime South 07' and Anime Express Daytona X, was sent back into the "not even 56k" era (an Era in my time where I found myself living out in the woods with a crappy phone line... Yeah, that's where we moved to again) after I finally got the money to get the internet back, my Grandmother passed away, my sister divorced her husband, and had to deal with all the bills and arguments and fighting of a bunch of children (aka my family) whom just can't seem to get along with each other for the life of me.

That pretty much sums up everything up until recently. Here in the month of April, I've had to deal with two of my siblings losing their home and moving back in only to complain and b***h and cause alot of problems... My younger brother, Adrian, got into a fight with my parents and has thus went to stay with his girlfriend at some friends house. As for my little sister, Hannah, she's still here... Shacked up with her boyfriend against the wishes of my folks. I really can't comprehend why people are the way they are. You see, I love my parents and I respect them so much... And then I love my siblings and respect them too. But, I just can't get why they want to live their lives in such unholy, unrighteous, ungodly ways. If it's not Drugs and Debauchery, it's fighting and hurting one another. My parents have made the mistakes and are still guilty of the latter two, but they want better for their kids. I just can't get why I'm the only one whom sees this?

I don't want drugs. I don't want to be perverted or do anything that would be unrighteous or wrong outside of marriage (Although, temptation is something that never stands too far off. Of course, it's the same for all men). I don't want to cuss or fight or raise seven different kinds of Hell. I want to live my life pure... and Holy... and Just! To be a servant to my creator and to my fellow man. It's what God calls us too. It's what my parents raised us all in! Why can't any of them see this? Why are we, as a people, so given over to ourselves and our desires that we just do and say anything that we want and then want to blame everyone else around us for our dispicable behavior and words. Accountability, PEOPLE!!! Everyone has scruples. We all know right from wrong! Why the hell do we keep living our lives like Hell?

Anyways, also this month the woman that I mentioned I was dating decieded that she was unhappy in the relationship... So it ended. I've told a few people this, but I am really, still very upset about this. I knew it was going to happen. I knew that she had stopped caring (if she ever really did care to begin with) for me a few months ago, I knew that when I read her D.A. journals and the things I picked up in conversation that things were about to end. But, I really, truely did love her so much. I tried so hard to earn her love and to be the best possible person I could be. I spent so much time and effort into the relationship, only to find it all was for nothing. The perverbial "casting of my pearls", so to speak... Not that I think evily of her for this. Before we started dating, she was my best friend and I told her that if she ever felt that she didn't care for me the same way I did that she could tell me and we'd go back to being friends... Ans, thus we are once more.

It's kind funny, though. In a strange, ironic twist of fate, the relationship ended on april the first... April "fools" day. And, boy, did I feel like a fool... Still do, actually. Especially with all the signs I had seen, did see, and was starting to see. The relationship really felt like it had started to turn when she invited a mutual friend of ours to come move in with her; a young lady by the name of Evey. Evey is a lesbian by sexual preference (which I have absolutely no problem with), and I really had wondered about how things were going to work out with this and our relationship. However, I trusted that if things were meant to be, that everything would be fine. Well, I guess things weren't meant to be. It's kinda funny too, because till recently, I thought that my ex/best friend was of an Heterosexual orientation, but I read on her D.A. account here a few weeks back that she was Bi. I never knew that, though I had some friends suggest that she may be.

Anyways, it's not even been a month yet, and my B.F.'s B.F. called me up on the phone today to ask me, for her, if it was alright with me that she started dating again. I knew instantly without having to ask whom it was... I asked her if it was Evey and, at first, she really didn't want to say. But, after I told her that she could tell me because I already knew, she confirmed my suspiscions... Now, at this point of my Journal, I don't want anyone to get a wrong idea or think badly of her or them. You see, all I've wanted for her (my B.F.), the ENTIRE TIME of our relationship, was for her to be happy. I know a thing or three hundred about misery and being miserable and I would NEVER EVER, EVER would wish that upon anyone. Happiness, joy, peace... These things I want for all of the people I love... For my family and my friends! As much as I may hate this, I'm not going to stand in the way of people being happy and finding whatever fulfillment and pleasure they can have in this existance because it's not easy at all to live these days. Stress is high, jobs are low, pay is lower, and the economy... Let alone, all of the struggles and fighting and chaos from within the streets to within the home.

No. I told Jen, my best friend's best friend, that I was fine with it and if it made her happy; that was what I wanted. She of course thanked me and told me that she thought I had been handling all of this well and that she still loved me. I told her I loloved her and all of them as well. We hung up shortly after that. Now, I'll be truthful, though... I cried after we hung up. To that end, I really haven't stopped since... a break or two from the physical stuff, but my heart and soul aches alot right now. It's such a cold, hollow feeling to live in loneliness and rejection. To know rejection is bad enough, but to find yourself on the butt-end of the stick everytime really blows balls... A WHOLE DAMN LOT of them. I'm not a druggy. I'm not violent. I love peace and goodness. I want to love and be loved. I treat women with the utmost respect and am always as sincere as I can be. I'm a "Nice Guy". My friends, my family, my co-workers... EVERYONE is always telling me this.

So, why is it that "Nice Guys" always have to finish last? Why is it that everyone whom does things the wrong way always finish out on top and people like myself are forced to sit in the shadows of their accomplishments and triumphs. I know that when you follow Christ that he said it'd be no picnic, but why does it have to be so hard? I just don't understand. I'm sure it was no "walk through the park" for him during his life and ministry, either... But, it seems that his relationships were pretty solid. No, I'm not really hated by anyone or anything like he and the original church were and I'm not suffering from want or need as I'm sure he and his apostles and the original church would suffer... Like half of humanity is right now. I know to damn well that I have it very comfy and cozy here in the good ol' USA and I am extremely greatful for this. I am so extremely greatful to him and God, our father, for all of their eternal blessings and goodness.

I guess, though.... I guess I'm just so tired of having to always be on the recieving end of everything. It just seems so unfair, sometimes, that I have to play Peacemaker, provider, confidante, judge, servant, strongman, scholar, and clown... I have to juggle all of these things and I can't ever have a frown on my face in doing it. Not that I want to frown or even mind doing these things. It's just... It's so tough to have to always hide what you truely feel and think behind a mask... Behind a confident, pleasing face and a kind smile. Hide away the ugliness, the insecurities, the pain, and the fears... ******** it if YOU happen to feel lost or alone or despairing. I've always been "the Good Son" or "The Good Child". It's a title that I bear with honor and drag behind me as a burden. A curse and a blessing all in one. Dualities coming out to play and I'm left in the middle to feel so much like a hypocrite. Especially when I give into my darker side. Into "the devil" and into the influences of that which I know is wrong. Some days, I swear that Satan must have a ball laughing at me as I scamble around frantically in the dark; blind and filthy. My enemy knows me all to well and knows how to push my buttons so that I just screw up everytime.

Of course, I'm not one of those people whom would say,"The devil made me do it!" No. No. And, Hell NO! Good and evil are within all men and I and I alone am responsible for the things I say or do. It's the biggest difference between myself and alot of other people. I'm willing to admit that I bring alot of my hardships upon myself. ME! I make choices. I'm no puppet. I can, will, and normally do take the blame. Even when It's not mine to take... Another thing that makes me different is that I believe that God will, eventually, bring everyone and thing back to him. I believe this WHOLE HEARTEDLY!!!

John 3:16 states that "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son; that for whomsoever should believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." Then, 3:17 goes on to state," For God did not send his son into the world to condemn it, but that, through him, it might be SAVED." God is love. God loves all of humanity... Even all the completely horrid and unloveable. He died for the sins of humanity. That's been covered for. God promised Christ that not one of "them" would be lost. Certainly, if people won't except him in this life or can't overcome their darkness, they'll have to learn in the life to follow. Hell is real and people have, will, and still do go their for their sins... But, Hell is not eternal. The translated word for "Eternity", when refering to hell, is NOT eternity. "Eternity" is actually translated to "Eonian" or "The Eons of the Eons". Eon's are not Eternal. They're set time periods. How much sense does it make for a Just and Loving God to state he's going to save the world and that eh wouldn't lose the souls of men only to cast them into an eternal punishment for the wrongs they did in a finite life? IT DOESN'T! It either makes God a liar or men liars and I believe the latter of the two, myself...

Anyways, I'll go ahead and step off my soap box. Some good news in this dismal mess is that we've been invited ("we" being the comedy troupe and I) as guests to EXPcon in October, I'm finally being given a CSL (Customer Service Lead) position at work (means more money to cover for the insane amount of gas my folks are using to get themselves 35 minutes up and down the road, 4-6 times a day), and I've been specifically asked by the District front end manager to run a special booth at the Grand reopening of the newly remodeled Winn-Dixie store off of Thomas drive. I'm really excited about all of these, so it makes me feel a little better about all of the other stuff.

Anyways, do forgive me for going on so long. Like I said, it's been a bad day for me. I think I need to clean my room and I might go see a friend here in a little bit. I'll talk to all of you later. Much love to all of you and God's blessings too ^_~.

~Jeshua Cook (Lynx Dragunhart)